Next week's matches:
Carl Stonewall VS Cap'n Bitcheyes - Loser drinks warm Blatz beer 'till he pukes
(World Title Match)
La Puta Negra VS Buck Trundle
Intercontinational Title Match)
Mick "Truck" Drivor & Somebody's Dad VS Serengeti Betty & Koschei The Deathless
(Frontier Tag Team Title Match)
The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless VS Kurt Murphy
Knuck Finn VS The Whirling Dervish
Rocky Sukiyaki VS California Barry Turpin
See y'all Wednesday night!
65 comments:
Ahem.
Eat shit and die, all of you.
Heh heh... I'm gonna be drinkin' cham-muthafuckin-pagne all night after I win that World Heavyweight Champeeeenship from the old man on the mountaintop over there!
Behold n' shit! The dawning of a new era in professional video game fantasy rasslin! The muthafuckin' Era of the Bitcheeeeyyyyeeesssss!
Word to ya muthas n' shit.
YOU: A strapping young lad, former champion with a hell of a lot of attitude.
ME: DWF, 50-ish with an alcohol problem and a bit more cushion for the pushin'.
Like the fine wine I love to imbibe, I've only gotten better with age. I'd love to take your sour grapes and turn 'em into something that'll get your head buzzing. What do you say, you big ape? Mind if I climb your Empire States Building?
Fuck you, Bitcheyes! Ain't no way you're taking my title!
Glory, you shut the fuck up too!
so any of you other guys get real bad rope rash after the last matchs?
Don't confuse rope rash with rugburn there, Spurt Murphy. Next time wear yourself some kneepads, candy boy.
Hell yeah Hube! Way to zing that nancy boy good!
I said candy boy, learn to read Merle. God you're a waste of life.
La Puta Negra, Ah hear you like ta play rough and that's fine by me. Ol Rough n' Tumble Trundle they called me back in my militry days.
Ah just want ya ta know, Ah ain't a'gonna take 'er easy on ya. I'm goin' full bore and Ah ain't a'gonna letya take ma title way from me less'n ya earn it. Understood? No quarter asked, none given. I 'spect no less from you. Now let's have a clean fight. No hittin' b'low the belt.
Oh, and Kurt Murphy... might not be a case a rope rash ya got there. Ah think ya might wanna reconsider the type a lady you spend yer time with, if ya know what I mean.
I blames the schnapps.
Sorry, Ah didn't mean ta interupt your tea party boys.
Hey, I got a question. Who the fuck is the Whirling Dervish and why does he deserve a shot at the Intercontinational Championship at the Free For View?
He wrestles, but he never leaves any comments. He never issues challenges and he never talks any shit. What's the fucking point?
I think you should just fire that guy. If he's too busy to leave a comment, taunt or challenge, then he's obviously too busy to go for any titles. There's enough fucking pussies in this league - we don't need any more.
Hey Buck Trundle, I know what you mean, you fucking asshole! Stick to wrestling and keep your nose out of other people's business!
Now hold on there, missy. Ah didn't name any names.
buck man sorry but i cant let you be offending my lady like that. just not right dude to be make ussumtions about stuff. think you need to apolgise to her dude.
WOAH! we got 2 bucks in here! man i didt notice them both like that before!
Hey now, Mr. Murphy, you just hold on. Ah never said nothin' bout Sally Fingerle... just that mebbe yer keepin' with some less-than-desirable company. Now, that might mean Sally and it might mean one a them other ring rats Ah seen ya with at the local pancake house.
Now, Ah'm not here ta judge. Ah'm just see a lot a potential in a young man such as yerself and Ah'd hate ta see ya throw it away with a case a crotchrot or an unwanted pregnancy. They say that the road ain't no place ta start a family and they're right. You just keep your nose clean and your head in the game and you'll do alright, kid.
Also, you might not wanna fuck whores like Sally Fingerle. Ah'm just sayin'... it ain't like ev'body in the locker room ain't had a piece a that pie, if'n ya catch my drift. Ah ain't sayin' the pie ain't tasty, just be sure ya wrap that fork 'fore ya go diggin' in, if ya know what I mean.
Well hell, son... our pictures kinda match now. Lemme ask ya, Kurt - where'd ya get that belt a yers, son? 'Cause mine is the Frontier Anarchy Grapplin' Syndicate Intercontinational Championship. You musta got yers in one a them backyard leagues Ah hear so much 'bout. It's a real nice shiny tin belt, kid. Maybe someday you'll get yerself a gold one like mine?
BEWARE the threat of a tragic future! I am from the year 2036. Our world has been devastated by a nuclear holocost which we believe is the result of events that take place in the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate... we believe that if Captain Bitcheyes does not win the World's Championship THIS WEDNESDAY, the disaster will not be prevented.
Captain Bitcheyes MUST win the World's Heavyweight Championship... our futures depend on it!
Heeeeeed myyyyyy wwwooooooorrrrrdssssssss! I am from the fuuuuuutuuuuuurrrreeee!!!!!
What is this Chronomancer nonsense? You are a fool and should be silent on these boards! If Bitcheyes is somehow triumphant in his fight then I will just take his prize from him. I have already held one belt and it will not be my last!
alright buck (trumbel not lawfess who i wrestle wensday) i am about at the end of my limit. i cant and i mean i CANT let you talk that way about sally dude. the only lady in my "company" is sally and she is a nice girl. cuz she is proud of her body dont make her a slut. and if it wasnt for unwanted pregancy we wont have had a baby jesus and the pancake hut dont have no more rats since they got rid of the shed in the back and the fumagater came and sprayed. AND dont be talking about my belt man! my nephew bought me this belt at wrestlemania 17 in texas where he lived and stone cold signed it and my nephew gave it to me before he got killed in that big bowling alley fire in columbus so dont be talking like that about my girl or my belt cuz that shit is fighting words and you are the champ right now but dude i will so take you down!
Check out my latest blog post for ALL the news, dirt and gossip!!!
To the Chronomancer: Heh heh... don't worry dude. I plan on walkin out with that belt 'round my waist n' shit. The future is safe!
To Rocky Suck-my-Cocky: Heh heh... you beat me once in a fluke and you don't deserve to be in the ring with my brilliance ever again! It's a good muthafuckin' thing you wear those sunglasses n' shit, 'cause the glare from my shiny World Title is gonna BLIND ya! Heh heh...
The Bitcheyes Era begins Wednesday, muthafuckers!
Hey, what the fuck? I made a challenge, I know that I'ma losin' a bit more than ma fair share, but shit, post that shiz!
okay buck (trumble) okay dude. i kinda freaked for a second. my manager has me working on my anger and being on focus and stuff and i kinda lost it a little. ma is always telling me about how to follow in another mans shoes and stuff so i should let you explain yourself and not jump to concloosions about what you mean. yeh my belt is real nice and i am proud of it even if i didnt win it in a match like you did but ma and my manager tell me i have Potential and so i am going to keep working hard and staying on focus. sorry man i didnt mean to be disrespecting you like that.
Hell, Kurt... Ah'm sorry son, Ah didn't mean ta bring up no bad mem'ries r' nothin'. Jest talkin a little trash. No offense.
But Ah do take offense ta youngsters like yerself who ain't got no d'rection in their lives. Ya got a lotta potential, son. Ah'd hate ta see ya waste it. Ah'd hate that a lot. Now, Ah'm more'n willin' ta take a young upstart like yerself under mah wing and give ya some learnin, but Ah gots a feelin' a kid like you needs ta be learned the hard way. Mebbe that'll be next week. First things first: Ah gotta deal with this Puta lady and teach her that the buck stops here!
I'm a talkin' bout ma challenge to Swirlin' (down the toilet) Turd-dish! Wha the fa?!!
You: A hard-to-get former World Champion who likes to talk trash and pound ass.
Me: DWF, 50-ish, trying to get your attention.
Hey King Kong, let me be your Fay Wray. Give me a call sometime, tiger. Are you that big all over?
Sister, your mouth (and probably the rest of you as well) are like an old toilet that runs and runs until you jiggle that rusty handle. Seriously, how unfun does that sound? Just quit while I'm still able to keep my lunch down. If you have to kick the tires on a rusty jalopy then it's not worth the time, not when you're afforded the luxuries of precision engineering that I am accustomed to. I think you'd be better off cruising the video booths and looking for a glory hole that jumps out and screams your name.
Now please quiet yourself and go back to knitting something or other like the granny you are.
Oooh, I do so LOVE it when they play hard to get!
Yeah! You fuckin' donkey-fuckers! This is what I'm talkin' bout! Whooo-hooo! that Dinkins slit is one fucked up twat! This forum is buzzin' like a Saturday night 3am Wafflehouse run! Baw witta ba the dang-e-dang diggy diggy...as my man Kid Rock says!
This Bitcheyes cat...he's a stone-cold killer, bro! New champ this week! Just wait & see!
And Knuck Finn...he reminds me of my uncle Frank, dude! Awesome! My Uncle Frank kicks ass! This is your week Knuckle-Ball! That Dervish bitch aint even got the cajones' to show his face around here, yo!
And what's with that Sally Finger-job? That's one sweet piece of geetch! Don't get all hung up on that Kurt Murphy douchebag! I got me a sweet Camaro, and we can roll out! That punk wants to redite some lame ass Rob Zombie? What?!? All the smooth players know that chicks dig hip hop and R&B! They gotta dance and shake that stinky thang! Lemme' sing one of my jams to ya', Sally! It's by my dog, Ginuwine...It's a oldie, but a goody...It's called "Pony"...kick it!
"Im just a bachelor
Im looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Gotta be compatible takes me to my limits
Girl when I break you off
I promise that you wont want to get off
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
Sitting here flossing
Peepin your steelo
Just once if I have the chance
The things I will do to you
You and your body
Every single portion
Send chills up and down your spine
Juices flowing down your thigh
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If were gonna get nasty baby
First well show and tell
Till I reach your pony tail, oh
Lurk all over and through you baby
Until we reach the stream
Youll be on my jockey team, oh
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it
If youre horny lets do it
Ride it my pony
My saddles waiting
Come and jump on it"
YEAH! I love this motherfucker up in here!
Your blood will spill at a far faster ratings than your mouth is being running if you are most to keep talking this way. You are a pig and shall be to bled like one if it so pleases me Stella animal.
See my little Janey, all kinds of people love Breyer Horses!
What's a Breyer horse Betty? I love you so much, will you be my mommy? I can't wait to see you and daddy take it to those creepy guys, Somebody's Dad keeps looking at me creepy and I don't like it and he is smelly like Old Spice and I don't like it and I want you to beat him and make him stop looking at me. Good luck Betty, can I hold your Versacci towels again?
Whoa there Miss Janey, I don't conduct myself that way. Sure, I made some remarks towards Miss Betty but she's an adult woman and we are in competition with each other after all. You shouldn't be saying stuff like that about grownups unless it really is happening. That kind of thing is a very serious matter and shouldn't be joked around with. You would think that your own dad would have the decency to talk to you about such things like this.
You are creepy! I didn't say you did anything to me and I know that I can't say things about adults unless they touch my no-no parts but you scare me and you look at me funny and though you say you don't do things my daddy and teachers tell me to watch out for stranger danger and I don't want you to be weird but you still scare me and I'm sorry if you're a nice man but I don't like it and you make me feel scared.
Janey those are the pretty horses that I showed you at FAO Schwartz last week! I put some up pictures up on my blog darling so you can look! Maybe if Daddy Deathless & I win our match this week we can go pick one out for you! Oh and its spelled VERSACE. Making those mistakes is how little princesses get whipped!
Oh so now you're scaring little children? Cannot be a Big Scary Man in the ring so you threaten little princesses like Janey?! Shame on you Somebody's Dad! Shame, shame, shame.
Yeah, somebody's dad! Sorry Betty, I'll go get my fashion magazines and practice my spelling! I guess I was thinking about Gucci! YAAAAYYYYY! HORSIES!!! I hope you and daddy mash them good now!
Heh heh... Somebody's Dad likes to leer but I heard he's a queer!
Hey Janey, give me a call in a few years when you're a little older. I'll give ya a horsie ride n' shit!
(But not until you're older and I can't go to jail)
I'm nine years old, Cap'n, and I like you less and less every day. This is like the third or fourth time you've hit on me and my daddy says it's either because you were molested when you were little or you have a tiny man-private that grown up ladies laugh at. Leave me alone you creepy creep! I don't care if you have cute monkeys because the clown that visited my school says that grownups who look at you in a bad way need to be "chemically castrated". I had to ask how to spell that.
Now, you see? In my neighborhood, the working man's side of the tracks, we know how to take care of pieces of shit that wink at 9 year old girls. You fucking pile of garbage! Bitcheyes, just because the good lord didn't bless my house with the little girl Somebody's Mom would've loved don't mean for one Goddamn minute that I don't wanna beat the living hell out of you for this! Where's Janey's dad? HE should be taking this fuck head where the cops don't patrol and tear him apart!
Thanks Somebody's Dad, I like you more now and you're less creepy. Daddy would be taking care of bitcheys right now but he is taking care of a fire cuz he's on the volunteer fire department. Who's daddy are you? I need more friends, it's hard for me to make friends cuz my mommy is dead.
Well Janey, I have a couple a boys but they're a lot older than you are. I can't tell you who they are cuz they're trying to do their own thing without being known as Somebody's Son in this business.
TURD DISH! I'm a callin' you out! If'n I don't hear from you on these posts my tomorry night, I'ma makin' this a de-maskin', and a de-pantin' party! You don't got tha balls ta show up on this here board, I'ma gonna take your mask and yer pants off an switch 'em! Think about that, fruit noodler!
You got that, CEO? You a'hearin' what I'm a'sayin'? One day! Then it's a de-maskin' party for the Fruitbooter!
Heh heh... I's just tryin' to get a rise outta you n' shit. The Cap'n don't molest - cause he's the best! And the ladies all know that the Cap'n runs the show.
Seriously though, seriously... the Cap'n likes 'em young, but not that young! Gotta be some muthafuckin' grass on the field n' shit, knowhatI'msayin? But you're cute Janey. You're a cute kid. I don't mean ya know harm. I's just tryin' to get a rise outta your dad n' shit. Looks like I got a rise outta Somebody Else's Dad n' shit! Heh heh...
Oh shit! I'm winning the Big Gold Belt in a couple days!
Bitcheyes, this Wednesday marks your retirement date, 'cause I'm gonna retire you! I'm gonna break every fuckin' bone in your fat red-haired body and grind 'em into dust for my soup!
CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA! CARLITA!
Carlita, you sho nuff seem ta like that bone "soup"! You was mumblin' something about wantin' to get home to your bone soup when I was whoopin' yo ass last week! BITCH! HA HA HA HA!!! Carlita los to a lil ol' girl! HA HA HA HA!!! CARLITA!!!
I'd hardly call you a girl, La Puta. I felt that erection pressing against my back when you suplexed me last week.
Oh Carlita, you so funny. That was just you dildo slippin out the back a yo pants an up you asscrack, you da can see if you jus watch the video in slow-mo! You a dildo-in-ass-while-I-wrestle bitch ass PUNK!!! HA HA HA HA!!! You lame ol' under five minute piece a shit.
Hey Carlita, I think you be needin' a new catchphrase, something like: "Carlita Stonewall, in an' out in unda five minute or yo money back!" Shit, you da go broke quick.
Besides, ain't a week go by you don' feel an erection pressin' gainst yo back Carlita, ain nothin' new for you no how!
Mah grandmomma had a sayin' back when we was growin' up. She said "Buck, don't go countin' yer chickens 'fore they's hatched." Sounded kinda funny when she called the other kids "Buck", seein' as how thats mah name, but that was Grandmomma. Crazy as a shithouse rat.
Anyways, Ah reckon that sayin' might be 'plied to you as well, La Puta. Don't go a'countin yer chickens 'fore they's hatched... ya might be lookin' ahead ta Carl and ya might be thinkin' you'll whup him. Tell ya God's honest truth, Ah think you'll whup him too, but right here and right now you're fixin' ta take me on in a couple days and Ah'd 'preciate it if ya kept yer mind on the bus'ness at hand. Me. Ah don't think yer gonna find it quite so easy ta whup me the way ya whupped Carl.
I 'spect ya, Puta. Don't make no mistake 'bout that, I surely do 'spect ya. But Ah sure do hope ya ain't takin' me lightly. It's a mistake that too many have made in the past.
Awww, don worry Buck honey, I know you be jealous! I got ma sight set an I know what shakin'. I just like ta watch Carlita shit her pants a lil' bit. Now you just calm down and know I don't got no feelings for Carlita, I know you be needin' attention up in here. I see you soon Buck darlin'. Heh heh heh.
La Puta she got the boys sweatin' her cuz she B to tha A! You don worry none Bucky cuz La Puta na gon blow up yo spot you sexy sona beetch.
And here I thought the faggotry and ass-banditry of this league was at an all-time high when King Kong Glory was champ. Now it looks like there's a solid chance a woman will be holding the Intercontinational or World championship. A WOMAN! An old man like Carl Stonewall probably dosn't have a whole lot of good matches left in him and that La Pupa Negro lady has admitted that shes the type that cheats with broken glass and weapons and such. She has already staked claims on that title and the board of directors is just dumb enough to give her a shot. Great. What the fuck is happening to fantasy pro fake video game wrestling these days? Captain Bitcheye is the only hope we've got to put this dog down for good, and that asshole is almost as bad as King Kong Gloryhole.
Rock em Sock em Yakamoto1
You fancy yourself a Dragon, Daddy, but this week, they let the tiger out of the cage! Big Barry Turpin is on the scene, looking lean, feeling mean, and ready to take you to the limit! After a match with me, you will find yourself dazed and confused, looking around, and wondering, as the blows rain down on that masked melon of yours, "What's causing all this?"! I'll tell you what! It's California Barry, Baby! So get ready, because while all the people in the arena will be picking up my good vibrations, you'll be screaming, "Help Me Rhonda!".
What. The. FUCK?!?! I been on here for week after fuckin' week after fucking WEEK asking for a contract, and this nancyboy... this LITERAL California faggot just waltzes in pretty as he pleases and gets a match? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I want a fucking matchup and I want a fucking contract right goddamn NOW! Give me anybody, I don't care! Give me a fucking match and I'll burn the goddamn house down!
FAAAAAAACCKKKK!!!!
What? No, I don't fucking CARE who you put me in the ring with, I'LL FUCK 'EM ALL UP!!!!!
Hey guys,
Wow, the Frontier Anarchy line up just keeps growing and growing. I've seen "California" Barry Turpin wrestle back when I lived in Santa Monica and boy did that guy like to strut his stuff! I think he'll be a great addition to your roster.
Carl Stonewall's first big title defense is tomorrow night - New Year's Eve! I guess it's a good thing: both competitors will be able to party the night away or drown their sorrows in alcohol.
Hey Carl, a word of advice: Don't think too far ahead. Don't let the threat of La Puta Negra worry you. Focus on the matter at hand: Captain Bitcheyes. He's one tough cookie.
Okay, that's all for now. I'm sure I'll be back Wednesday when the results are posted. I can't stay away for long!
thanks,
Dan Browning
Yeah Carlita, listen to ya retarded cousin/girlfriend Browneyeing, don' let La Puta get in yo head, the last thing you need is a set a drawas filled with shit when you set yo dainty foot into tha ring with Bitchass! Not like you gon be in the ring for long!
Yeah yeah, Trundle, I rememba you too! Don't get yo panties all Trundle bundled!
And Lardboiled Hairybung Fartrassle, quit cryin' ya bag a assturnips, maybe if you get yoself some skillz you be attractin' the flies like you wants ta!
Puh puh puh! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Alright S.D. dont go gettin' distracted with these lil lot lizards and other bullshit. I got your back as long as you are along for the ride. But if you aint pullin your weight I'll cut you looose like a blown tire and keep rollin' on. So keep your eyes on the road and your mind on the job. We got 18 wheels a rollin' just like 18 tons of fallin' lead...
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