Next Week's Card:
Carl Stonewall & The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless VS La Puta Negra & Bronson Thunderhammer - Tag Title Match
Buck Trundle VS Mick "Truck" Drivor VS Knuck Finn...Knuck-Buck-Truck...hehhehheh - Triple Threat Intercontinational Title Match
Kurt Murphy VS Somebody's Dad - World Title Match
Cap'n Bitcheyes VS Koschei The Deathless
Blackpube The Pirate VS The Whirling Dervish - Loser Leaves Professional Fantasy Videogame Wrestling Forever!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
43 comments:
Don't fuck this up, Lawless.
From the Quill-Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
I wonder, when shall the TRUE World's Champion be granted her fair shot? When will the Blackjack place his pawn on the gameboard? When will the TRUE champion face the false bearer of the crown & scepter? When will she ascend to her rightful throne?
All due respect to Somebody's Dad and Kurt Murphy... but neither of you are the champion and neither shall either of you be, until a referee counts the 1-2-3 and La Puta Negra (the only TRUE World's Champion) lie defeated.
But I fear your dreams are for naught. For it shall never be!
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in TRUST
Dang! I hope that Blackpube vs. Whirling Dervish match isn't a double count out! I'd hate to see two of my favorite rasslers get the boot!
My career is not unlike death and I am not unlike a ghost of my former self. Until I regain my path by claiming victory over an opponent, I do not even deserve a likeness of my own and therefore will be a tombstone.
I am humbled by my failures and ask that the league give me the chance for redemption. I will fight in any match and try not to grow more shameful than this losing streak has already made me.
Well sheeeeeeeeeee-it. Ain't nobody can beat me by their lonesome, so the Pow'rs That Be gotta see fit ta throw me in a three-way. Hell, ain't the first kinda three-way Ah been in. Course, ev'ry other time Ah been in a three-way, it's been with two purty ladies... Ah guess these here bitches'll have ta do.
Ah gotta warn ya, bitches... there'll be some blood.
And by two purty ladies he means his cat licking his balls and a vibrator in his ass while he jerks off to the cover of TV Guide.
The Knuck-Buck-Truck Suck n' Fuck!
Get a room ladies, don't do that shit in the ring!
Scandalous indeed! They must be bears, GRRRRRRR!
Oh Number 4, let us not make fun of the different strokes of different folks. Remember, to each their own. Granted, the cat doesn't really need to be involved though. You can't take the redneck out of the libido in some people. We don't have to approve but we have to give them understanding.
Heh heh... oh shit, Koochie! We were once tag champs and now the prodigal son has returned n' shit! Up from the 36th chamber it's me, it's me - the mighty Cap'n B! I hope you're all into astronomy n' shit, cause I'm gonna blast you into orbit!
Hello Pot, my name is Kettle and brother I am black! Now theres no doubt that Buck Trundle, Mick Drivor and Knuck Finn are a redneck, a grease monkey and a stupid mick, but where does this Barry Gibb wanna be get off questioning his manhood? Expecially when he belongs to a cult of star-spangled faggots who hang out on the beach, tucking their t-shirts into their underwear? With no pants on!
I guess it takes one to know one, huh Ronson?
TURPZ RUUUUUULEZZZZ!!!!
Those star spangled faggots have forgotten more about good-time girls than you'll ever fantasize about, little Ricky. Poor little virgin wannabe Ricky. Your epitaph will be "He looked but he could never touch". Yes Ricky, that's not just paranoia, us girls really are giggling behind your back.
Wow, thats sweet how your lady does your talking for you Ronsonites. Even cooler how she steals a line Stan Lee used on you last week! If youre drawing on that withered old sack of prunes for inspiration then truly you are fucked.
I guess its true the Ronsonites know more about "good-time girls". The only girls they can get are the ones they have to pay for. The Turps has ladies lining up to sample his beef log.
TURPS RRRRRUUUUUULEZZZZ!!!
It's like Hickory Farms in the Tehran Fashion Square Mall in Turps pants! Wicked wicked she-sluts with red eyes, horns and slathering vaginas line up to taste Turp's beef log ha ha!
Ha ha! They DO tuck their t-shirts into their underwear! What a bunch of losers!
And no, Ricky Turpy ... no one is lining up for your "beef log"
So Sally, have you picked out your wedding dress? Has Kurt chosen his best man?
Jesus fuckin' christ, where the hell can I register? Sears? What tha fuck is this shit turnin' into? Hey CEO, why don't ya fix the site up all nice like with some pink and baby blues ta fit this fist-fest properly. An' ah don't mean fist as in fisticuffs, but that there's a bunch a pansy-assed noodle-dancin' goin' on round here. Now I'm as happy as the next man ta congratulate Kurt, 'specially cuz ol' Fingerle's gonna shit out a squid any day now, but les see more macho banter on these boards!
Well said, Mr. Finn - though I am loathe to give you any sort of compliment, I am an honest man and give credit where it is due.
I do have a question though. What is Black Pube's obsession with retirement matches? Ever since the season started, he has been asking for them. I don't have the statistics in front of me, but I'd hazard a guess that pretty much every challenge the man has issued has been some form of retirement match. What's his problem? Is he suicidal? Does he cut himself? Does he hate wrestling? Himself? I don't understand.
Hey! Manginament, where tha fuck my five points at? 50 mph the speed a tha wind bitch, but that also be the speed I gon be drivin' when I drag yo lily ass behind my car if I don see them points up on La Puta's victory card!
Hey guys,
It's been a while since I last chimed in. Sorry, I've been working a lot of overtime.
Hey, how 'bout Sprinsteen doing the halftime show at the Superbowl? Gotta love The Boss.
I'm a Frontier Anarchy fan through and through, but I have to wonder: When will the accusations of Ebeneezer Wheezleton and La Puta Negra be addressed? Admittedly, they don't have much ground to stand on, but I frequent a lot of pro fantasy wrestling message boards and folks are talking. They're calling the World's Championship a paper title and they say it's losing it's value! Some have even suggested that the SuperFamicom Grand National Championship is more highly prized.
I know! I can't believe it either. But you know how people talk. I have to admit, I'm of the mind that the first order of business should be to have Carl Stonewall take on La Puta in a singles matchup. Carl is probably the top-ranked contender after his victory over Somebody's Dad, but the spectre of his defeat at the hands of La Puta haunts him. After these two meet, the victor should get a title shot. That will silence the critics once and for all.
Just my two cents. Hey - congrats Kurt Murphy and Sally Fingerle! I hope I'm invited to the wedding!
thanks,
Dan Browning
Sorry La Puta...we'll get those 5 points up real soon. The truth is...although I was in advanced english & social studies classes in school...I failed algebra the first year I took it, and got a c- the second year. When we looked that problem up, we didn't actually get the answer. So congrats, though...and thanks for the answer! You earned those 5 points.
Dan Browning, shut the fuck up. I mean, you got a point - the current champ ain't nothin' but a stringbean who got a lucky break. But when The Cap'n was the Champeen, I gave that belt some sheen - and I ain't talkin bout Charlie, muthafucka! I was the champion extraordinaire with whom no one could compare!
But Kurt Murphy... fluke. I'll get my belt back as sure as my name is Cap'n Bitcheyes!
Dan...we haven't addressed any claims against The World Heavyweight Championship because their are none...oh...wait...you mean all that bullshit that old widbag wheezy has been coughing up? Well, fuck him...The Wheeze is washed up, just like FUCR! It was a great league, with a lot of talent...but it was driven into the ground, and buried. But one day, a spark dripped down from the heavens, and wet the schorched earth with it's fiery tear....and like a phoinex from the ashes...rose The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate! It rang it's bell, and said "come children of the beast, come and shout at the devil!". And professional fantasy wrestling was reforged in the fires of competition, and tested on the field of battle!
La Puta Negra is a great competitor...that's why she's here...it's like Cyndi Lauper says, "Girls just wanna have fun", and she is on the way up...definately not down. But the day that I start drinking Old Wheezer's Kool-Aid...yeah, right. Dan...just ask the V.G.W.A, the oldest and largest sanctioning body of this sport who "The Champ" is, and they, along with many other fans, rasslers, and assorted afficianados will tell you...it's Kurt Murphy.
And if Wheezy's got something to say about it, just come on down to the ring...any Wednesday night, and The Blackjack will set ya' back right in the head...right before he tears it off, and takes a greasy shit right down yer' scrawny neck! Any Wednesday, Wheez-al...any Wednesday!
WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...WEASEL!...Can ya' hear the chant, Wheeze? Can ya' hear 'em? Fuck You, Old Man!
Hey Blackjack,
You know you don't need to convince me; I'm a tried-and-true dyed-in-the-wool Frontier Anarchy fan for life!
While you and I, along with the VGWA (the largest and oldest governing and sanctioning body in professional video game wrestling) might agree that the World's title is the top of the mountain, the fact remains that the belt has not remained undisputed.
All posturing aside, Mr. Jack, Ebeneezer Wheezleton is a long-respected promoter. The man brings with him a lot of clout. And he also disputes the legitamacy of the World's Title as sanctioned by the VGWA... and try as you might, you can not stop the press. It's a movement that's gaining steam. A lot of folks are siding with Wheezleton.
I'm not disputing the title, mind you... I'm simply wondering: wouldn't it be better to address these problems and nip them in the bud, rather than let them fester like gaping sores on the asshole of professional wrestling?
Talk, as they say, is cheap. And frankly... well, I'll be honest. It really bugs me that some people think the World's Title isn't worth anything. I think those folks need to be taught respect. They need to understand the history and the legacy and the pride and the honor. But if you continue to ignore their claims, it does give them an extra bit of legitimacy.
thanks for listening,
Dan Browning
Dan...I guess you didn't really hear what I was saying. I invited The Wheeze to show up on any Wednesday night to air his claims of dispute, and I'll gladly settle any such disputions man to man with him then...the ball is in old Wheezy's court now. Come on down, Wheeze...the floor is yours....
Also, I have to say...I'm a little dissappointed myself with some of these Wrestlers out there, who let this bullshit go on! Isn't this YOUR pride on the line as well? Anyone who has ever held the World Title is being pissed on by Wheeze, and all this talk about the title! Where are you guys? I guess that belt means more to me than anyone else? Isn't it ultimately what you strive to be? The World Champion? Ebeneezer Wheezleton is selfishly trying to tarnish that with his own greed and miserable intent! Stand up for yourselves and YOUR belt!
Yeah! Stand up fo my belt bitches!
Now kneel down!
Now kisssssssssssssssssss MY ASS, BABY!
Don you worry Management, when La Puta finally get hers everyting gon be all right. That belt got lots a glory and shine, it just been worn by two bit hustlas, it na get the proper treatment to be slinkin' round La Puta's sexy sexy waist.
From the Quill-Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
Ye Olde Jack of the Blacque: I believe you misinterpret my intentions. You see, I do what I do for one reason only - respect.
I respect the title. I respect the lineage, the heritage... the tradition. You, my friend, clearly do not.
That is all. In all your pompous redneckery, you see things only in terms of fisticuffs and violence. That is fine for a troglodyte such as yourself, but some of us aren't interested in barroom brawls and backalley pickups. Some of us have class.
So no, Mr. Jacque, I shall night "throw down" with you on Wednesday night. No smack will be laid upon anyone... I'm not here to fight you. I am simply challenging you to stop tarnishing the glory, grandeur an honor of FUCR, FAGS and the VGWA.
You call upon the wrestlers for support. I say to look within the mirror of your soul and ask yourself a question: do YOU actually respect the title? It seems quite apparent to me that you do not.
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in TRUST
Bullshit Wheeze....you suck my friend. Just look at La Puta Negra's post. she's talking about how the glory of the belt will shine, once it's around her waist. Even she aspires to hold the REAL World Heavyweight Championship...not the one that you fabricated. You have neither the right, nor the might to back your play old man. Even your "Champ" agrees. So, as far as I'm concerned, the only person who "disputes" anything is you. Like I said before...come on down, any Wednesday night...but until then, shut the fuck up, and stop wasting everyone's time...
From the Quill Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
I fabricated nothing. From day one I have recognized the legality of your title. I am no fool - I understand that the title held by Kurt Murphy is the recognized World's Championship.
But much like your President Bush cast a stain upon the Presidency and on the entire United States, you have cast a stain upon the legitimacy of that title. Consider me a very vocal version of the bumper sticker which read "Not my President!" ... and consider La Puta Negra the professional video game wrestling version of Mr. Barack Obama.
We seek not to establish a new title or overthrow the current regime - our only goal is to restore the luster which you have stripped away from the belt. Much like your President Bush, you have dreadfully ruined your title in the eyes of wrestling fans, Americans and the entire world.
Rest assured, Kingpin... we know full well who holds your title. We simply dispute it. Preen and bluster all you like - whatever helps you sleep at night. But know full well that your title means shite in the eyes of promoters and fans worldwide.
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in TRUST
Heh heh... you know, The Wheeze has a point. When I was the World's Champeeeen, sometimes the muthafuckin' Intercontinational Champ was booked in the main event and The Cap'n was somewhere around the middle of the damn card!
And the muthafuckin' Jack has the audacity to claim that The Wheeze is tryin' to start his own belt? Looks to me like ol' BJ LaLonde is tryin' to put his belt above the World's Title - and that ain't right n' shit.
Heh heh... I might not show a lot of respect for other wrestlers, but at least I respect the title.
Hey... Kurt Murphy is the guy holding the belt. But that's not what makes him the best - his skill, pride and determination are what make him the best. That belt just symbolizes all his hopes, dreams and hard work made real. Kurt Murphy is the World's Heavyweight Champion - bar none.
Yeah, La Puta beat me when I was the champ. But it was a non-title match. Does that make her the best? Well... being the proud man that I am, I kinda see her point. I understand where Wheezleton is coming from. She did beat the best... Now from a certain perspective, I guess that might make her the best.
But it don't make her the champ.
To be the man, you gotta beat the man. La Puta... hey, she beat the man. But ol' Carl's not so stupid that he'd bite the hand that feeds him. There's only one World's Champion, and that's the one recognized by the Video Game Wrestling Alliance. That's Kurt Murphy.
So... you admit that La Puta is the TRUE champion, but you side with Blackjack because he pays your cheques?
Yes, that's how I spell cheque - I'm fucking Canadian!
Carl, you're a sellout!
Wheezleton...you could always just start your own league and...oh wait...you did that already, and it closed because you suck, and need more time to run your fingers through Weirdbeard's beard, and stroke your "ego".
I'm actually really tired of dealing with this, so...ok...fine. You want to call me President Bush? I'll give you a little Guantanamo. I hate to do this, but because of your distractions & threats, I'm suspending La Puta Negra from competing in The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate until you release your claims to The World Heavyweight Championship! I was placed in charge of this title by the VGWA, and I won't put up with any interference to it. If La Puta Negra has a problem with this, she can take it up with you!
It's a shame too, because she was so close to having a shot at the REAL title, and you ruined it for her with your big mouth...so maybe she can go to FUCR and be the champ there....good luck with that.
Also, Captain Bitcheyes...you work for me as well. Keep running your mouth, and talking trash, and you can join them. We don't need some ungrateful bastard like you in this league either.
There...that about settles it. Any other questions or concerns? Sorry La Puta...maybe you need to get your boyfriend in check. He seems to be a real deal-breaker for your career...
Are all of you motherfuckers HIGH? It doesn't matter who said what, or who beat who when! Have any of you ever even watched wrestling? Sure...La Puta pinned Carl in a match, but call it what it is...a win. It was not a sanctioned Title match, assholes! And...for the record...beating someone once in your career...even twice...doesn't make you the best! Does La Puta deserve a shot at the belt? Yes. Will she get one? Yes...well maybe not, if Old Stinky Ass Wheezleton doesn't shut the fuck up and crawl back in his hole! I might not agree with evrything that this company does...but I know the difference between the World Heavyweight Champion, and a lot of talk, smoke & mirrors. Frankly, I'm a little pissed off about this whole deal. Carl...you need to sit back down in your wheelchair, and shut it. La Puta, you need to wrestle, win, and work your way up. Wheezleton, you need to get the fuck back to your little Fantasy Island with Dante, Glorpp & Weirdbeard. Bitcheyes, You should be ashamed...I thought you reallyn had what it takes kid, but you cry just like the rest of 'em. Henderson Peavy, I don't know you, so your opinion is worth absolutely nothing. Now...let's get back to wrestling, and let the real World Heavyweight Champion enjoy his well deserved reign!
WHAT THE FUCK?!?...
Kurt Murphy good, but he not really that good. How tha fuck a league supposed to survive when the Champ got a losin' record?!?
Who the fuck you, Monte Altazar, lecturin' La Puta like she some rookie fresh of da boats?! Work my way to the top? Shit brotha, I took a helicopter to that top a that mountain and I beat the shit outta that old man that be sittin' up there, now I be dispensin' the wisdom of ages up in here. I still got chunks a Stonewall unda ma fingernails an you all be talkin' sheeeit.
Management. I don need ta work my way to tha top ah nothin, cuz I standing proud on tha top-o-tha-hill, wavin' to all you motherfuckas below, waitin' for y'all ta catch up. Two times I took down you champion. I na been pinned, I got Tags gold. I done fucked up everything that been thrown at me and come up shinin'. An this how I be treated? THIS HOW I BE TREATED?
Management wanna squeeze me outta the action? Well thas fine! I'll just strut roun' waitin' til Management realize what a fuckin' mistake they makin'. Hell, why don't the NFL suspend Tom Brady to teach the Detroit Lions a lesson? Why don' Siegfried and Roy get rid a they tigers cuz they too badass They don't!
Asses in seats?! Shit, La Puta be #1 when it come ta sellin' Frontier merchandise (action figures, socks, activator, La Puta dirty-brown underoos), and Management gon and fuck me over like I'm some lame-assed Dervish just cuz I'm too good? Well fuck that.
La Puta started this season without a contract, an I don give a fuck what Management say, cuz I'm gon finish this season without a contract, even if I have to tear every one a you motherfuckas apart to do it. Looks ta me like I'm half way there.
What that stank? Oh, it's the stank a fear that La Puta gon burn down this league. An the worse part, I just threw Frontier a bone sayin' how they belt actually worth somethin', but now I see how it is. Tha belt just a prize that Management give out ta whoeva draws tha lucky number. La Puta tha only thing bring a luster ta that piece a shit. Pro'ly made a piece a cardboard with cadburry easter egg foil wrapped rounit. Whateva management, throw away you golden goose.
Oh La Puta, La Puta, La Puta...you are from some south of the border impoverished nation...you should know all about politics. You want a shot at the belt...fine...all you have to do is ask...but there's only one thing....you are either with The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate, or you are with Ebeneezer Wheezleton and his band of fake champion wrestling bullshit artists. What's it gonna be? The Glory of forever, or a night with Wheezleton? We could really give a fuck either way...
It's all about loyalty. This organization will go to the ends of the earth to protect it's own, and their integrity. Anyone who makes false claims about the real World Champion is against us...not with us. So it's decision time. We think your great...one of the greatest of all time...but we will not play ball with FUCR, The Wheezleton Family, or anyone else who wishes to shame the title , this organization, or it's competitors. By pissing on Kurt Murphy, the real World Champ...that is what's being done.
So, don't be letting your bullfrog mouth outweigh your tadpole ass. You are one of many in this sport...one of the greats...but still one of many....
From the Quill-Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
Oh, I think you've done a rather good job at shaming the title yourself, Kingpin. You certainly don't need my help.
La Puta does not need to choose sides because she is on no ones side but her own. And I am but a loyal supporter of her cause. I only hope to use my good name to further her ambitions.
As for you, Kingpin LaLonde... I knew your father, the Blackjack. And you sir, ARE NO BLACKJACK!
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in TRUST
Hey, I still get ta fight the bitch, right?
This just in!...Ebeenezer Wheezleton WILL BE IN THE HOUSE THIS WEDNESDAY!!! Stay tuned Wednesday night, fans...this situation may just EXPLODE!!!
Maybe this will finally be settled...who really is the REAL WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION? Will Wheeze stand up to Blackjack Billy FACE TO FACE?!?
All this and more, WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!
From the Quill-Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
A lot of wrestling fans are wondering what "President in TRUST" really means.
But you're not the President anymore, Wheeze! Why do you call yourself that?
It's true - I am no longer the President of any wrestling promotion. My position and my rank are naught but ideas... but you can not kill an idea!
To me, calling myself President in TRUST symbolizes the trust wrestling fans have in me. It's a trust that I do not take lightly, and that is why I will indeed be in the proverbial house this Wednesday!
I hope that Mr. LaLonde and I can meet as men. I hope that we can shake hands and that I can convince him to treat you, the fans, with the same respect that I do. I come bearing not the axe, but the olive branch. I hope Mr. LaLonde is man enough to do the same.
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in TRUST
Whatever. I kick ass and look good.
Post a Comment