The following matches are scheduled for this Wednesday, December 17, 2008:
1) Whirling Dervish vs. Mick "Truck" Drivor
2) "Bounty Hunter" Buck Lawless vs. BlackPube
3) Buck Trundle vs. Knuckles Finnigan
4) Intercontinational Champion Captain Bitcheyes vs. Rocky Sukiyaki
5) Koschei the Deathless vs. Kurt Murphy
6) Serengetti Betty vs. Somebody's Dad
7) World's Heavyweight Champion Carl Stonewall & King Kong Glory vs. Van Dyke Strange & The Lemonaire
Come back this Wednesday to see the results!
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45 comments:
heh heh... Rocky Sukiyaki, you can bounce around the ring all night long but the Capn's still gonna be goin' strong! Ain't nobody gonna take my belt, nobody gonna slow the Cap'n down - oh no! I got to keep on movin n' shit!
And after the match, I'll be relaxin' up in my loft, writing poetry for the ladies and smokin' my pipe while they smoke on somethin else, if you know what I mean! Heh heh!
The Cap'n makes it happen!
As I was sayin'... ahem. Whirlin' Dervish, yer a fancy plumed rooster fuckin' poof lookin' shitheel. An I'ma gonna take it out onna yer ass real soon turkey.
That's all well n' good, Finnegan, but ah might like ta remind ya that yer facin' me on Wensday, not the Dervish.
Sounds ta me like yer already a little punchy, so ah'll tell ya what - just go 'head and don't bother showin up. It ain't gonna be worth yer time, unless ya like the look of overhead lights and the sound a the 1-2-3 'fore gettin' hauled outta the buildin' onna stretcher.
Step one of mah dominance begins Wensday.
Buck vs. Knuck... oh my stars and garters, I don't know which one of these two big strapping men to cheer for.
As much as I love a rugged man like Knuck, the sportsmanship of Buck has won me over. And he's not so bad in the rugged good looks department either.
Give 'em hell, Bucky!
Hey Buck, why dontcha do yer patented dance, the Buck Trundle Panty Unbundle, and just relax a lil' bit an' stop yippin' at ma heels like some lil' purse dog that needs to be swung 'gainst a telephone pole to stop its got-damn screeching for attention.
I got ma sights on yas, I just needed to make some things clear for tha Swirley Pelvis, don't tear up too much.
An' don't be concernin' yaself too much with them there lights, cuz like your name fits, you're gonna get folded up and rolled under the bed when I done witcha, stains be damned.
You know, I might be mistaken, but that Black Pube guy seems awfully familiar. If only somebody could unmask him... something about that guy STINKS!
Pammy Dinkins, I will use my tiny fists to fill your female cavities with stinging scorpions!
Hey guys,
Ms. Dinkins, I agree with you. There's something about that Black Pube guy that reminds me of someone else. Can't figure out who though.
Wow, my two favorite wrestlers are teaming up? Carl and King Kong will probably make an awesome team if they can figure out a way to get along. Speaking of great teams, I wonder if there will ever be a tag team championship of some sort in the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate? Heck, with the talent in that main event, the Board of Directors could go ahead and call it a title match as far as I'm concerned!
Can a woman cut it in "the man's world"? I think that Serengetti Betty is going to show everyone that the answer is "YES!" No offense to Somebody's Dad - I'm a father myself - but that lady is one tough cookie, and I think she's going to smash that glass ceiling into a million tiny pieces.
Boy, I can't wait for Wednesday.
thanks everybody,
Dan Browning
Hey Dan, glad you're a fan. Not too sure about your love of King Kong Glory, but hey: we all make mistakes.
If we win this tag match, it'll be because of my excellence. If we lose, you can be sure I'll take it out of Glory's hide.
As for your tag title comments... hey, you wanna give me another belt, that's cool. It ain't like ol' Carl don't deserve it!
I haven't seen a lineup like this since the Village People's last reunion tour.
I heard that Mick "I like rest stop parking lots" Drivor likes to whirl a dervish or two in his mouth. I think Buck Lawless is the name of a gay porn star. He and Black Pube should enjoy each other's company. Bitcheyes is a bitch but at least he's American, not like that Sucky-cocky Jap. I thought Koschei was badazzzz, but it turns out he's just a fag too, playing with his daughter's toys.
So the only cool guys on the undercard are Buck Trundle who is an old man, and Knuck Finn who is Irish and therefore not worth my time. Somebody's Dad is pretty sweet and I hope he shows that Betty lady that a woman's place in wrestling is either as a valet or as the girl who brings you your soda and pretzles in short shorts. Oh, and Kurt Murphy. The verdict is still out on Kurt Murphy. He looks badazzzzz, but he wears a Batman shirt and Batman is for fags so I'm not sure what I think.
And then the main event. Carl Stonewall teams up with that California faggot King Kong Glory to take on the fucking Castro Street Connection of Dick Van Dyke Strange and some pissy Lemonaire guy. Carl had better watch out, cause he'll have three guys gunning for his cornhole! Look out Carl!
All hail the Mighty Turpinator!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Rick...
we haven't seen such a nasty little wad of scum since we cleaned out the undersides of our foreskins, after a week-long camping trip.
shut you pie-hole, little man...before we give you something to really cry about.
All these men would beat your little ass, until it looked like you were starting a welt farm.
Sometimes, we all wish that your dad would have assfucked your mother, like he did his sideline, down low boyfriends...then we wouldn't have to hear you stealing other people's air and turning it into bullshit every week.
We have a good mind to call your Uncle Barry, and tell him what a little asshole you are.
Suck it, little man.
Will wonders never cease? This sport has come so far in such little time. Used to be this was a drunken boys club. And now? Now I'm gonna be in the ring facing off against a lady! A lady who is bringing some determination and estrogen into the mix. Got the looks of a volatile cocktail right there, but hey...if this is the way it's done these days then I'm just going to go with it. Betty, I can't promise anything, but I'm going to do my best to take this match as seriously as I would against any other wrestler in the league. I might laugh here and there so don't be offended by it, but I'll do my best. Even when I might roll my eyes before the bell rings, know that I'm actually trying to give you some respect. Gotta figure out a strategy though, don't want no harrassment charges brought against me or the organization because of some questionable holds I may put on that plump rump.
Just hope Somebody's Mom doesn't get too upset. I always tell her that it's the job and I've gotta earn a living out here so we can keep paying for Somebody's House and Somebody's Car. I'll take no pleasure when those titties get smushed into me or when we hit suplex time, it's just a job.
Looks as if Somebody's Dad is in for a treat! Delectable treats that are usually reserved for other areas of life, but should never be passed upon when they present themselves unexpectedly. Be a gentleman, but be firm. Women that are willing to go this route surely do not want a flaccid opponent, but one with a firm hand and just the right amount of mucho muchacho. Be the mucho muchacho, be it!
That Kurt Murphy twinkle kid looks like he should be bagging groceries or shoveling a fucking driveway somewhere for 3 bucks! Bitches and pubes, and what the fuckhole is a dervish anyway?! Before any of you crap farmers answer that, just shut the fuck up! Whatever happened to names like "Bruiser" or "The Animal"? Now all we have are bitches and a dervish sprinkled with pubes!
Goddamn lack of dignity right there. If you're not embarassed that your mama was a whore or that you're on welfare, then at least be shamed about your fucking name.
I dare that little numbnut to even THINK about trying to shovel my driveway! He'd be bringing a shovel to a shotgun fight, right Hube? Buckshot in his fucking weenie boy face!
I'm actually with you on this one Merle.
Ha ha! Black hunter lawless pube fight nasty boom boom! That match is super mega awesome for all to come television first place! Who win who anti win? Can't wait for decision pin 1-2-3!!! Making for super fans all world complete the all over!
Denizens of 2008: I bring you news from the far flung future of 2036!
Previous calculations indicated that Kurt Murphy's victory in the Intercontinational Title tournament on December 10, 2008 would be the lynchpin in the house of cards that would bring about a domino effect resulting in NUCLEAR DEVASTATION! However, with the Murphy title reign averted and no significant change to your future (my present) save for a slight rash on my left ass cheek, we have since recalculated ...
We now believe that Rocky Sukiyaki, much like Sarah Connor of the Terminator film franchise, will one day sire the savior of mankind. He will not meet his future mate unless he is victorious over the one called Captain Bitcheyes this Wednesday! Rocky Sukiyaki MUST win the Intercontinational Title - your future depends on it!
HEEEED MY WWWOOOOOORRRRDDDSSS!!!
Dear Board of Cocksuckers,
I buy your t-shirts and eat your shitty breakfast cereal that tastes like Lucky Charms that's been left out on the counter all night without rolling up the bag or closing the lid on the box. I watch your programs and attend live events when they come to my town. I am probably your most devoted fan and even though I might criticize your roster, I do not see how this gives you the right to compare me to your rotten smegma. Without fans like me, there would be no Frontier Anarchy Grappling Society. I pay your salary.
I deserve an apology.
As usual, Turps rules, everbody else DROOLS!
Oh Turps...we still love you! But Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate makes no apologies...and that's why you love us!
We will give you a "Turps Rules!", though. Also enclosed is a sample of our new line of new Beef Jerky, the best meat you can put in your mouth today! Enjoy!
Bless the Beasts and the Children...
The Board.
Hey muthafucker - don't go tellin' nobody that the muthafuckin' fate of the goddamn world rests on me getting my shoulders pinned. I gots ta deal with all the ladies throwing their panties and other unmentionables into the ring while I'm rasslin' - don't need no further distractions n' shit!
This is nonsense. The only fate that is applicable in such matters is that it is my fate to rise above the wrestlers of the west as I have done in the east!
The East shall destroy these Western maggots! Their blood shall staining the cornering of the rings and their families shall weep for the loss of their bloodlines!
I been hearin' a lot a talk 'bout East and West and the future n'... well heck, I don't know whut. But ah'll tell ya'll somethin that ya can take ta the bank: ya can travel to the corners a the globe and to the future and back and ya ain't gonna find a tougher competiter than Buck Trundle.
How many men on this here roster can lay claim to havin' a winnin' record prior to the beginnin' a the season? Ah can. Way I see it, ol' King Kong Glory ducked mah challenge and ran 'way like a scared little rabbit. So far as ah'm concerned, that right there is a victory for me - and over a former World's Champion, no less.
Come Wensday, you're a-gonna see that record advance. Next ta the name a Buck Trundle, there's gonna be 'nuther "W" - bank on it!
There seems to be a lot of hate directed towards King Kong Glory these days. Typical fairweather fans. Me? I never really liked the guy, but I can't deny his strenghts.
I have to admit though, after losing to Carl Stonewall in less than 5 minutes, you'd think Glory wouldn't have run away from the challenge of Buck Trundle so quickly. I guess some guys don't really care about their legacy.
Speaking of legacies... where have Black Pube and the Whirling Dervish been? It seems that they care so little, they don't even bother getting on here to sling some shit. The same goes for Kurt Murphy, Serengetti Betty, "Truck" Drivor and Buck Lawless.
Can't the Board of Directors do something about this? I came here to watch wrestling and hear some pearls of wisdom from my favorite grapplers. I'm not paying to listen to the same 4 jackasses blather on all day. Let's get some real competition in here.
Bitches and buttplugs. That's what I think of this league. I woulda kicked ALL OF YOUR ASSES if I woulda filled out my paperwork in time and gotten a contract signed.
Unless yer talkin' bout your "Wank" column, don't get yer hopes up Trundle.
As fer the part-timers, well they can grip their calloused rods and pick up their paychecks but it don' mean a thing unless they put in the face time.
Speakin' o' which, it's almost time fer me ta put it in Trundle's face. Hope yer not takin' too much time dustin' off yer empty trophy case n' not preparing for a drubbin'.
Congratulations Carl, you decrepit old piece of shit! You won another belt in a rinky dink worthless no competition leauge. Your brother must be really proud of you. I hope that its worth the pain and the years off your life that it costs you. Give it up you worthless old man, and know when to be put out to pasture. So one more time, Congratulations and here's to you... SUCKIN' MY DICK!
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. I Can't Wrestle Cause I Got a Bad Back! Bullshit! You're afraid of Carl!
Rinky-dink league? I'm the goddamn World's Champion! Your only claim to fame is gettin' beat by The Chicken a million times!
Suckin' YOUR dick? Sorry, I'm too busy givin' the business to yer ma, and I'll tell you what - those sweet titties are MORE than a mouthful! I don't think there's room for anything else in there.
Then again... I've seen you in the locker room. It's pretty small, so maybe.
Jenkies! Looks like this league needs a geriatric ward!
Ess too late to smash stupid North American wrestlers? I demand a contract and a bookeeng next week or I fuck you up!
Yays I talking to you Board of Directors!
Daddy,
You let that little wifey of yours know that I promise (cross my heart!) that I will leave a little of your manhood intact on Wednesday. I would just hate to know I was the woman that finally broke her man. A woman prides herself on those types of accomplishments and I certainly do not want to rob her of that satisfaction. What with that ugly mug of yours its all the dear girl has to look forward to in life!
Its sad really.
Yay Betty! Creepy Dad just got served n' shit! Yaaaaayyy!!! Kick his butt Betty!
Heh heh... that's my two favorite ladies right there. Spaghetti Betty and lil' Janey the Deathless.
Betty, after your're done with Somebody's Dad, I'll show you who your REAL daddy is, if you catch my drift.
And Janey. Sweet Janey... give me a call in a few years, hon.
Come Wednesday, the Capn'll be like a tugboat pullin' a heavy load into harbor. Defending my title and strutting my stuff. Toot muthafuckin' toot!
Well at least ah know what ah'm in for. Most a these fellas in the Frontier Anarchy Grapplin' Syndicate are nothin' more'n a bunch a cheaters n' backstabbers. But I can 'spect a man who just comes right out n tells a fella what he's up to.
Knuck Finn, I ain't lookin for no walk in the park and I done left mah dance card at home. If'n you want a fight, well then it's a fight I'm a-gonna bring ya. But don't be all cryin' after I whup ya. Take yer whuppin' like a man and then go drink it off. I got no time fer crybabies.
'N after that. I'm a-gonna come gunnin' for some gold. Those'r my words. Mark 'em.
Hey Mr MacNulty i used to mow your lawn! member i came on thurdays when i finished at the Clemens house? it was my older brother Marcus, but not jimmy he is still in jail for stealing the mustang on homecoming, who shoveled the driveways on Prancing Deers Lane and it was my buddy Bernie who worked at the Pick n Save being a bagger until the Manager Jill got his ass fired cuz he got caght smoking weed by the dumpters with the girl from the laundry mat and stuff. you let me know if you need a hand cuz its snowing and stuff and marcus left the shovel when he moved out of town when that girl got pregnant. i still live in ma's garage if you want me to shovel dude! yo and its ten bucks man sorry
and batman is not for fags you are a fucking fag! dark knight is fucking bomb rad dude! whatever man you got your head on wrong or something. you other guys with me or what? we gonna let rick talk about the bat like that? hell no man shit is weak dude
BATMAN RULES!
These hands only know how to do two things, Gear Jam and bash heads! And I am always doin' one or the other. So come Wednesday I will keep my log book clear. So look out Pearling Doucher you just might get run down. HONK! HONK! I got 18 wheels a rollin' and I sure know where Im goin.....
Management be dodgin' me! Where my contract at? You all know I the best here! You all scared? Somebody scared, that what I know about! Management be scared and not answering La Puta! You all is scared a me!
Mick Truck Drivor be scared, that for sure. He look scared, kinda stupid too. Where you at management? Where my contract?
Bitcheyes, I know yous scared. Trundle, definitely scared. Serengetti Betty? You betta believe she da scared! Somebody's Dad? Oh shit, he so scared! Knuck Finn, he scared as hell, he be shittin' his self. Carl Stonewall, he so scared he be all cryin' an' pleadin' ta management not ta leh me in. He be sayin' "No management, don' be lettin' in that scary black lady, cuz this a WHITE league! Thas right! I said it. Bunch of punk ass white boys too scared ta let in a lil' action from down south.
Kurty Murphy, he don' look too scared cuz. But lil' Janey, she be scared that she has a strong role model, not like that pussy ass bitch papa she got. Buncha pussies this leage is if they not givin' me a contract.
El Pootie Tecante':
We hear you loud & clear, sister. We don't get scared...we dance with danger...and dine on death...We walk the walk AAAANNNDD talk the talk...because we're always in motion...always moving...bob & weave, bob & weave!
We'll tell you what...we have some people who are already sitting on the fence, so I'll put you in the bullpen with the other free agents. Check it sister. If I get someone who can't compete anymore...or doesn't want to, because they can't take the heat...then we'll "let you in the kitchen", and see if you can "cook"...if you catch the drift. Please send us your booking info to: frontieranarchygrappling@yahoo.com ...and put your money where your mouth is. We'll be waiting...
Let me get in that ring and get some action! Crunching bones in all time zones! The Alabama Sweet Pickle will walk up and down your backside with a big size 12! I'll garnish the hell outta all you ham & eggers!
Sweet Pickle ya, I can tell he da scared! He be all smellin' a vinegar n pissin' his self but he get up da courage to enter even do he see that I be all up in this bitch now.
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