Hello Fans, and welcome back to another exciting week in The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate!
This week, we have a special show! We are having ourselves a BATTLE ROYAL...for the World Heavyweight Championship! 16 wrasslers enter...1 will remain at the end ,to become the Champion Of The World!
As the competitors all wait around the ringside area, for the start...Blackjack Billy & FUCR President, Ebeneezer Wheezleton make their way to the ring!
"Tonight is a celebration of wrestling greatness, and a tribute to the richest prize in this here sport, the World Title. Now, I called my old buddy, 'Wheezer, and told him ta' come on down tonight, and we's are gonna have ourselves a party! Old 'Wheezy ran the best damn company this sport has ever seen, and I figured, since we are commissioning the crafting of a new gold belt for the World Title, then we ought to have the man who guided that title into prominence present here tonight to help present it to the Champ! Men like 'Wheezy, his nephew, "Stinkyteats", and others helped pave the road for this sport, and we aim on haulin' some serious ass down that road into the future! So what are we waitin' for? Let's get this sum-bitch started! When You here that bell...get in that ring and fight with all your might! If you go over the top rope...you are eliminated...If you throw someone over the top rope...you get 5 points towards your season!...And, if you are the last wrassler standing in the ring at the end...well, you are the best of the best...and the New World Heavyweight Champion!"
*DING-DING*
With the bell ringing, we see all 16 grapplers go at it! Some eget in the ring, some are stomped trying to get in, and when they are all up and running, the punches start flying!
Carl Stonewall and La Puta Negra make a bee-line for each other!
Barnaby Studwhistle backs The Whirling Dervish into the corner and starts to chop at the chest, welting it up real nice!
Koschei The Deathless picks up Serengeti Betty up, and presses her over his head! Is he going to throw her out? No! He tosses her, like a human spear at,Somebody's Dad, crushing him to the mat with a cross body splash! I think those two are working in tandem!...but remember...in the end, its every man, or woman, for him/herself!
King Kong Glory smashes Stonewall from behind with a double ax-handle to the back, and he and La Puta Negra start putting the boots to him! Oh! Carl is bleedi
ng from the forehead already! This doesn't look good for the champ!Kurt Murphy locks up with Rocky Sukiyaki and irish whips him into the ropes! On the return he grabs the back of the mask and tries to send Rocky over and out, but Rocky hangs on to the top rope! He jumps from the apron and delivers a missle dropkick on murphy, dpringboarding from the toprope, and send Murphy sommersaulting backward, ass over tea kettle!
Cap'n Bitcheyes grabs Knuck Finn and tosses him out betwwen the second and third ropes! That's not an elimination, but Knuck crashes to the floor painfully, anyway! Bitcheyes ducks out under the bottom rope and follows him out to the floor to dish out more punishment! Referee! Get that turkey back in the ring!
Mick "Truck" Drivor & Blackpube are double-teaming The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless in the corner! They are really doing a number on him! What a beatdown! The Crimson mask is begining to appear on Lawless's face, as the two trade blows! But Wait!...Buck Trundle comes up from behind! He grabs the legs of "Truck" & Blackpube, and flip them up and over the toprope! Oh my god! Double elimination! "From one Buck, to another!", he chuckled, as he moved on!
Eliminated: Mick "Truck" Drivor, Blackpube The Pirate
Koschei The Deathless picks up Betty and presses her up again...this time sending her flying at Carl Stonewall, for a cross body press...But Carl catches her in the air!...And then he Reserse Carl-plexes her right out of the ring! DAMN! Who's the Man? I'd have to say Carl Stonewall! Koschei can't believe it! He looks dumfounded! He runs to the ropes to see if Serengeti Betty is alright...Just then, Koschei goes into a rage! He gives Studwhistle the big boot to the face! He grabs the The Whirling Dervish and chokeslams him! He delivers a running clothesline to Somebody's Dad, sending him over the toprope! Koschei then picks up the Whirling Dervish, and powerbombs him over the top rope, through the timekeepers table! As he turns around to grab another victim, he gets his eyes gouged deep by Barnaby Studwhistle! Koschei turns and leans on the top rope to get his bearings and rub his eyes...and Bitcheyes pops up, grabs him around the neck, and pulls him over the top rope to the floor! Fans...It's pandemonium!
Eliminated: Serengeti Betty, Somebody's Dad, The Whirling Dervish, Koschei The Deathless
Knuck Finn walks over to Studwhistle, spins him around, and punches him right in the mouth! I think I saw a tooth fly! Cap'n Bitcheyes axehandles Knuck's back, and he and Studwhistle attempt to put the whoopin' on Old Knuck...but he ain't havin' none of it! Bitcheyes throws a punches, whick Knuck blocks and delivers one of his own...and then the same thing with Studwhistle!...Knuck is alternating haymakers on the noggins of Bitcheyes and Studwhistle, until they are punch-drunk out on their feet...and the final blow...a double noggin' knocker, smashing the two numbskulls of Bitcheyes and Studwhistle together! Knuck then grabs Barnaby by the scruff of the neck & the back of the drawers, and sends him out over the top!
Eliminated: Barnaby Studwhistle
King Kong Glory slams Kurt Murpky and ascends to the top rope to deliver his big elbow smash...when out of nowhere, Rocky Sukiyaki runs to Glory's corner, runs up the ropes like a set of stairs, and delivers a insaguri kick to the back of Glory's neck! King Kong glory, folds over like an accordian, and like his namesake, drops from the top of the turnbuckle, all the way to the floor, like it was the top of the Empire State Building! DAMN! Rocky then sprung right back up to the top, and delivered a backwards moonsault on the still-downed Kurt Murphy!
Eliminated: King Kong Glory
Stonewall is on fire, slamming Buck Lawless, and La Puta Negra..dropping Elbow smashes, and legdrops, and other implements of destruction! Carl backs against the ropes and waits for the pair to stir, prepping for a running double clothesline, to send both out over the tope...they rise, dazed, and Carl shoots across the ring toward them at full steam!...At the last second, La Puta Negra grabs the top rope and drops to her keeyster, pulling down the rope, and sending Carl flying over and out! Oh my God! We are now guaranteed a new champ now! La Puta isn't done! She delivers a jumping dropkick to the back of the head of The Bounty Hunter, and sends him out over the opposing side ropes!
Eliminated: The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless, Carl Stonewall
La Puta Negra now squares up with Buck Trundle, and before Buck can see her coming, she kicks him squaw in the nuts! La Puta turns and taunts the crowd in celebration, raising her arms!...But wait! Buck taps hard on his crotch!...he's wearing a steel cup! Genius! Buck then grabs La Puta by the hair, and looks around the audience...They are cheering wildly for Trundle to dispense some justice to Negra! Buck looks around and nods his head yes, shrugs his shoulders in an "oh well" motion, and kicks La Puta Negra right in her baby-chute! As she grabs her puss and winces in pain, Buck Trundle dropkicks her right over the top rope!
Eliminated: La Puta Negra
Buck Trundle looks out to the crowd and starts the "USA!...USA!...USA!..." chant, stomping his foot on the mat! The crowd chants along, and it is deafening! Rocky Sukiyaki is covering his ears in pain, as a response to the chant, and runs up behind Trundle, grabs his legs and dumps him to the floor! Trundle is gone! Kurt Murphy runs at Rocky, ready for retaliation, but Rocky spins around and sprays the mystical green mist from his mouth, into the eyes of Kurt Murphy! He has blinded Murphy! As Murphy staggers and wipes his eyes, the Cap'n comes barreling into Kurt with a clothesline, sending the blinded warrior out to the floor!
Eliminated: Buck Trundle, Kurt Murphy
And then there were 3! Cap'n Bitcheyes, Rocky Sukiyaki, & Knuck Finn all circle each other like sharks, waiting for a movement in the water...they smell the blood, the guts, the beer, and the belt! All three start swing, trading punches! The Cap'n goes down and rolls out under the bottom rope! Sukiyaki & Knuck Finn continue to trade blows in the ring! Kurt Murphy, still at ringside starts chasing The Cap'n around the outside of the ring! The Cap'n rolls back in and Kurt follows him! Rocky gets in Murphy's face, saying, "Ithrow you out! I throw you out you gone!" Kurt looks down at Buck Trundle, who is still at ringside, licking his wounds as well, and Buck nods to him. Kurt glares at Sukiyaki, and then looks back to Trundle, before turning around and stepping out of the ring, back to the floor. What a little sportsman he's becoming, traveling with Buck Trundle. Rocky walks to the ropes, and continues to mock and talk shit to Kurt Murphy...Just then, Kurt Murphy reaches up and pulls Sukiyaki out over the top and to the floor! Murphy just looks at Buck Trundle, and shrugs his shoulders, like, "hey...what can you do?"...Buck just shakes his head and chuckles. Rocky is trying to climb back into the ring, but the referees hold him back! " When you go over the top rope, and hit the floor...you're out! That's it!", said the ref, against Rocky's loud protests...
Eliminated: Rocky Sukiyaki
Bitcheyes and Knuck Finn kick it into high gear and fight furiously! They trade blows, and it looks like Knuck is getting the best of him! Just then, the cap'n thumbs Knuck deep in the eyes! He reaches down into his tights...and pulls out a sequined covered glove! Bitcheyes slides the glove on...does a little moonwalk...winds up...and pops Knuck finn right in the kisser! Knuck's knees half-buckle under his own weight, much like the legs of a young fawn learning to walk! As Buck reels the Cap'n bounces off the ropes, and delivers a running body block, sending Knuck out over the top rope to the floor! Oh my God! New Champion! New Champion! Captain Bitcheyes! Captain Bitcheyes!
After the battle royal, some promotional videos air, there's a wrap up. Ebeneezer Wheezleton joins Blackjack Billy in the ring to present the title to the new champ. The belt is enclosed in a glass case, like that night Vince McMahon presented the belt to Kane. Blackjack makes an announcment about Wheezleton being the "godfather of professional video game rasslin". Wheezleton then speaks...
"Ladies and gentlemen, my nephew Charles would've been proud of what he saw here tonight. When he founded this World's Championship, he did it to light a passage through the darkness of the muddled world of professional video game wrestling. To create a championship that the fans could be proud of, that the promoters could be proud of... that the wrestlers could be proud of. He created a torch by which the light of the dawning of a new day would be bore. And I am here tonight to pass that torch to this man, Blackjack Billy. Through him and through Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate, the heartlight of Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton will continue to shine. I invite you all to turn on your heartlight... and let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow, for all the world to see!"
Wheezleton then takes the championship belt out of it's glass encasement and prepares to call the champ down to the ring for the presentation... but he pauses.
"However... I can not, in good conscience, pass this belt. While I may not have legal jurisdiction over the World's Heavyweight Championship as sanctioned by the Video Game Wrestling Alliance, I do have a heart and a soul. And in my heart... deep within the recesses of my soul... I know that this man, this Captain Bitcheyes, is not worthy. He may have won the battle royale, but he does not possess the true qualities of a champion. He is the man of the hour, but he is NOT the man of the people. Curiously enough, I know some one who is. And thus..."
Wheezleton the drops the belt on and spits on it as La Puta Negra sneaks out from under the ring apron and attacks Blackjack Billy! My gawd! My gawd!!!
It's a total mugging and La Puta bloodies Blackjack while Wheezlton smashes the championship belt with a ball-peen hammer. Just then, the lights go out and a single spotlight hits a vaulted, loft-like area, where cameras shoot the action. ( and we see the Cap'n in a purple leather trenchcoat weilding a diamond-encrusted baseball bat. He opens his leather cloak to reveal... A NEW CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!
"Ladies and gentlemen, my nephew Charles would've been proud of what he saw here tonight. When he founded this World's Championship, he did it to light a passage through the darkness of the muddled world of professional video game wrestling. To create a championship that the fans could be proud of, that the promoters could be proud of... that the wrestlers could be proud of. He created a torch by which the light of the dawning of a new day would be bore. And I am here tonight to pass that torch to this man, Blackjack Billy. Through him and through Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate, the heartlight of Charles "Stinkyteats" Wheezleton will continue to shine. I invite you all to turn on your heartlight... and let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow, for all the world to see!"
Wheezleton then takes the championship belt out of it's glass encasement and prepares to call the champ down to the ring for the presentation... but he pauses.
"However... I can not, in good conscience, pass this belt. While I may not have legal jurisdiction over the World's Heavyweight Championship as sanctioned by the Video Game Wrestling Alliance, I do have a heart and a soul. And in my heart... deep within the recesses of my soul... I know that this man, this Captain Bitcheyes, is not worthy. He may have won the battle royale, but he does not possess the true qualities of a champion. He is the man of the hour, but he is NOT the man of the people. Curiously enough, I know some one who is. And thus..."
Wheezleton the drops the belt on and spits on it as La Puta Negra sneaks out from under the ring apron and attacks Blackjack Billy! My gawd! My gawd!!!
It's a total mugging and La Puta bloodies Blackjack while Wheezlton smashes the championship belt with a ball-peen hammer. Just then, the lights go out and a single spotlight hits a vaulted, loft-like area, where cameras shoot the action. ( and we see the Cap'n in a purple leather trenchcoat weilding a diamond-encrusted baseball bat. He opens his leather cloak to reveal... A NEW CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!
The lights come back on and three beautiful women riding polar bears make their way to the ring as Wheezleton, La Puta Negra, and their ilk, head for the hills! Captain Bitcheyes rappels to the ring ala Shawn Michaels and dances with the bears and the ladies as three baby elephants painted a brilliant shade of pink enter the arena and begin to dance as well!
We'll see you next week!
47 comments:
This is a blasphemy but I have no surprise. He whose eyes are the bitch has not earned this prize but, once again, this is the way your decadent ways of wrestling are conducted here. I have beat him once before for a belt, let me avenge my loss by beating him again for the title that does not wear well on a dog of his ilk. I am demanding an immediate rematch against Bitcheseyes for this already tainted championship title. I will bring honor upon this title unlike what this gutless bucket of entrails is doing to it now. Esteemed leader of league, make this happen next week. I will rip this pretender into pieces and bring a sense of peace to us all.
I wish a death of a thousand hells upon you Bitcheseyes! You are a species that is endangered as of this moment. If I do not bleed you in a rematch, I ask that every wrestler here make it their obsession to rip this mongrel to pieces and make sure that his career is ended.
Well...you do have a point...
Fine!
Next week...Rocky Sukiyaki VS Captain Bitcheyes...for the World Heavyweight Championship!
Are you serious? This is what we waited for for so long? This lameass rumble. Let's get back to real fake rasslin, 1-on-1. This silent killer is ready to take this fed by storm. Give me my shot at the belt that I earned 2 weeks ago, but this time, the Intercontinental Belt. Suck Bungle, it's your time to get... FLAMBLASTED!!!
Whirling Radish crazy!!! Holy BAM BAM best matching EVER! So many doing so mega ulta awesomes makes my ding sack go tighty tight!
Well shoot, Dervish. Ah can't rightly say that ya deserve a shot at mah belt. Can't say ya earned it, 'less ya call snivelin' n cryin' earnin' a shot cause ya sure are doin' a whole lotta that... frankly, Ah'd rather d'fend this here tahtle aginst old Serengetti Betty, seein's how she asked fer a shot last week.
But Ah'm also under the jurisdiction of the Frontier Anarchy Grapplin' Syndicate Board a Directers, and if they say Ah gotta defend 'gainst whoever challenges me... well, Ah guess that'd be you.
But Ah'm gon' give ya fair warnin', Dervish. Ol' Buck Trundle might be ev'body's friend, but he's nobody's fool. Ah'm onta the likes a you, with yer cheatin' ways n' yer mask. Don't nobody but the Lone Ranger wear a mask unless he's fixin' ta rob ya or deal some dastardly deeds. You try cheatin' in this here tahtle match n' yer gonna see a whole 'nuther side ta Buck Trundle, and you ain't gonna like it!
Well, ah got ma licks in, and I'm pretty happy with the turnout. How's about the Sweet Pickle take a dip in some Knuckle vinegar, eh? He was talkin' some shit the other week, got it in ya, pickle?
From the Quill-Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
My friends, I come to you representing the true spirit of fantasy grappling. Like the Ghost of Wrestling's Past, I sweep in through the window and rest at the foot of your bed awaiting your wakeful hours.
Mr. Sukiyaki, you are indeed a fierce competitor. But you challenge for a title that bears no weight. You see my good man, the World's Heavyweight Title, throughout it's existance - from it's inception on June 25, 2007, when Monte Altazzar won it in a tournament, has been built on a foundation of honor and integrity. That it why it is recognized the world over as the true undisputed World's Heavyweight Championship.
But dear wrestling fans, I have come before you to do the one thing that has never been done before in all the history of professional championship fantasy wrestling... No longer is the World's Heavyweight Championship an undisputed title, FOR I AM HERE TO DISPUTE IT!
The former champion, Carl Stonewall, was defeated in under three mintes by La Puta Negra. This alone gives her the right to call herself the TRUE World's Champion.
Tonight, Carl Stonewall was eliminated - By La Puta Negra, who herself could not be eliminated except through the vile vagina-kicking antics of Buck Trundle - once again confirming that she is the only TRUE and worthy World's Heavyweight Champion.
Captain Bitcheyes, you can call yourself what you want. Blackjack William and his Board of Directors can, in conjunction with the Video Game Wrestling Alliance (the largeset governing and sanctioning body in professional fantasy video game rasslin) can declare you to be the World's Champion and the record and history books can do the same... but in your heart. IN ALL OF YOUR HEARTS... you know that unless the man holding the title defeats La Puta Negra in combat, the once sacrosanct Championship that he holds so dear... will mean nothing. Like the dry crackling of autumn leaves in the wind, it will be naught but a paper title, crisp and ready to crumble in the breeze.
Search your hearts, fans: you know it to be true! La Puta Negra is the TRUE World's Champion!
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in Trust
We must say...while we don't necessarily endorse the comments of one Buck Trundle...he has reminded us that we did postpone Serengeti Betty's shot at the Intercontinational Title. So, we must honor her request this week...but fret not Dervish, for you are on our radar...
As for Knuckleberry Finnigan's challenge to The Alabama Sweet Pickle...It sounds like bread & Butter!
Well shoot, now Ah kinda feel bad. Sorry buddy...
As my first order of business as reigning CHAMPION of all that is rasslin’, I command you all to take a knee and kiss my ass!!!
Looks to me like I proved all I needed provin’, takin’ out chumps and makin’ all you’s champion look like a snivelin’ lil bitch assed punk!!!After that, who needs that cheap ass belt somebody's intern be buyin' from Sears, when you got this much style and gold!
What Wheezey be sayin, thats what I be sayin' since I got here! I took out your Champion Carlita not once, but TWICE! Takes all yo big shots just ta knock out La Puta from tha ring! I beat the shit outta yo world champion, and your intercontinental champ gots to go and kick Puta in the pussy. I was tired a that scene anyhow.
Shit, looks ta me like NO ONE has any rights to challenge for any of the belts but to go through the intercontinental highway of DOOM that is La Puta!!! So let’s all get out the Champagne and celebrate the reign of La Puta up in here!!!
Carlita, you can kiss my ring next time you see me. MY CLIT RING, BITCH!!!
Why you bitches even wastin' time with those candy belts, when La Puts's got what you need all up in her hips! Ha ha ha aha hah ah ha!!! Who's gon challenge La Puta for the REAL championship??!!?
With all due respect,
First the Whirling Dervish demanded a World's Title Shot. He was denied because he hadn't yet proved himself.
After securing victories over Serengetti Betty, Mick Drivor and Buck Lawless, he was FIRED before a scheduled match with Knuck Finn and subsequently rehired and promied a title shot - only to have the rug pulled out from under him and the title shot denied when the belt was placed on the line in a battle royale!
Now he requests a shot against that country bumpkin Buck Trundle for his Intercontinational Championship and he's denied ... beacause the hillbilly wants to flirt with the she-man!
The obvious bias the Board of Directors has against The Whirling Dervish can only last so long. Try all you might, you can not keep a good Dervish down. Sooner or later, he will rise to the top!
Dervish rise to tha top like a blown wad a cum bubblin' up in the hot tub filter. Get all stuck up in the hair an' leaves an shit. Lucky Henderson got him some big ol buck teeth to skim the top an get him that protein he so badly need. Shut yo mouf Henderson.
Where Carlita at? I wanna hear his excuses!
Wheezleton!
You don't know your ass from a hole in the ground, you withered old sack fly!...And La Puta Negra can go wash her stanky lady parts in the creek for all we care! You wanna come into The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate, and act like some kinda big shot? You got the balls to take a hammer to the World Heavyweight Title? Boy...when you was a baby, your momma must been rockin' you in the stupid tree, and dropped you, cuz' I think you hit every branch on the way down!
There is only one Champion...that Champion is the wrestler recognized by the VGWA, as the True World Heavyweight Champion. That man is Captain Bitcheyes! Like it or not...that man earned it! Now, this ain't no tea party, or jamboree, don't get me wrong. Bad things happen to people in this sport. But you rise to the top...if you're special.
You made an ass of me! Not again, Shitheel! I was given the task of guarding the heritage and prestige of that belt, by those on high, and if you try to pull some bullshit like that again...I will show you the true wrath of man.
Show your face in this sport again, after that little stunt, 'Wheezy, and I'll cut that big old nose right off. You are done, my friend...don't make me stick that fork in you...because you know I will...
And La Puta Negra...I know you won't be, but you should be sweatin' just a lil' bit...We still haven't decided your fate. But you got some coming...
UP FROM THE 36th CHAMBER!
Oh shit, the muthafuckin' Capn's back on the attack - I'm dy-no-mite, outta sight and treatin' all the ladies right tonight!
Heh heh... Did ya hear the muthafuckin' news n' shit? Brand new WORLD'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPEEEEEEN n' shit! 16 other muthafuckers couldn't do what the Cap'n could do all by his lonesome!
Rocky Stuff-a-sockyinit - you want a shot at me? Heh heh, I beat ya before and I'll do it again. Might have to call you Mr. Lollipop Man alias the Long-Haired Sucker 'cause you're nothin' but a fool.
La Poopa Noopa... heh heh, what was that I was sayin' a couple weeks back about me beatin' Carl for the title and - if you're good, maybe I'll let you take the Capn's belt off? Heh heh... You take mine off, I'll take yours off.
We don't gotta do it in the ring baby, why dont you come up to my loft n' shit tomorrow night? Drink a little wine, I'll read you my poetry n' shit... it's like muthafuckin' Adam Ant said, We're just following ancient history. If the Cap'n strips for you, will you strip for me?
Oh shit! Did I just quote Adam Ant? I'm THE MUTHAFUCKIN' CHAMPION OF THE WORLD n' shiiiiiit!
I got what comin'? Some fate? That be stupid. Don' even make sense or nothin'.
Well now, that was a pretty good dust up. I did better than some, not as good as some others and that ain't too bad, all things considered. Now there's more drama round here than a couple of families fighting to see which one of their inbred hillbilly asses gets to be on Springer first. What the hell's wrong with you turd gurglers? Plotting and stabbing backs is a weak way to go through the season. The fans know it, your mama knows it and Somebody's Dad knows it. No more for me, I ain't trusting anybody round here no more. Not one of you jerk off delinquents is worth it so I'll just lay the belt across all your asses! La Pootsta, I'll take your lame action. Let's you and me do this and see if you can bluff your way past me.
I don't think you got the gumption or the talent. Me and you, La Pootsta, be there or gag yourself with Fuckwall's balls. Carl, glad to see you go.
I got a good idea...since The Whirling Dervish wants to blow in a grab himself a title shot...and La Puta Negra wants to blow some hot shit out of her mouth, and thinks she has what it takes...well then fine. This week, La Puta Negra will face The Whirling Dervish in a ladder match! At the top of the ladder, there will be a briefcase containg an open contract to face the recognized, sanction, UNDISPUTED World Heavyweight Champion!
Also note...this is an open contract...you may cash it in at your leisure. That way, there ain't a damn thing that we, the Board of directors can do about it.
The Dervs has won a lot of matches...he deserves it...and La Puta Negra...as much as we hate to admit it...is one tough bitch. she is well deserving of wearing the strap.
So good luck, you two...try not to kill each other.
Cap'n, the only thing you champion of is dick eatin'. Like when you tol' me, "the trick is dippin' the buns in water before you swallow". I hear all this talk a poetry an shit, but so far you just be talkin' an waggin' that belly aroun.
Maybe if you good I give you a "loser shows they junk to the audience" match? Eh? We see how shrivel that shit be. All dry an twisted an caked wit mud like the dick on a dead pig. But I don know if you can handle the sight of La Puta's treasure. My shit be all like that shit Vincent an Jules be carryin' round in a briefcase. Shit be shinin' like gold an shit, bitches be killin' wit AK's kat-kat-kat just to get a whif of that golden stank.
DAMN! A ladder match for a title shot? DAMN! Go La Puta!
Oh hey Kurt, I made you a mix tape. Side one is for when you're workin' out and side two is for when we're workin' out together, baby.
I LOVE YOU!
(oh god, did I say that too soon? I don't wanna freak him out! Oh god... I don't care! I do! I love you, Kurt Murphy!)
Fans...so far, for next Wednesday...we have booked:
The Whirling Dervish VS La Puta Negra - ladder match for a contract to meet the champ
Serengeti Betty VS Buck Trundle - Intercontinational Title Match
Cap'n Bitcheyes VS Rocky Sukiyaki - World Heavyweight Champ-eenship match
Knuck Finn VS The Alabama Sweet Pickle
What the fuck???!!! Why don you just tell me I gotta do community service at the fuckin' nursin' home. Whateva, this match be bullshit. Dervish don' even got tha balls to ask me hisself. I gon show up, but this ain' shit. At least That Old Faggot's Dad had the balls to step up to this ripe tang.
An why the fuck I need to have a ladder match with that stain when I already the champ-een, baby??!! Whatev, I show up ta keep ma benjamins rollin', but this lookin' like a exhibition match ta me. Fuckin' championshit match what this be.
Hey Somebody's Dad, here's an idea: How about instead of challenging girls to matches so you can feel them up, you and your redneck truck driving partner of yours put those fucking tag belts on the line, you fucking pussy!
Oh yeah, thanks Sally, I got yo back if Kurt fucks up. If he don treat you right you go tell 'im that I gon cut out his piss hole wit a grapefruit spoon.
You know what? You're right La Puta! Damn you woman, and your streetwise ways. Experience is the true teacher! I love dear old Dad, and I'd hate to see him get fucked!
So We are changing your match up a little...we think, for the better. Intead of a ladder, we will hang the contract on a greased pole in the corner...and instead of you and The Whirling dervish going at it...We'll make it a three way dance! Brilliant!
Dave Ken just jizzed on himself, repeating "asses every eighteen inches!", over & over again!
Fans...so far, for next Wednesday...we have booked:
The Whirling Dervish VS La Puta Negra VS Somebody's Dad - greased pole match for a contract to meet the champ
Serengeti Betty VS Buck Trundle - Intercontinational Title Match
Cap'n Bitcheyes VS Rocky Sukiyaki - World Heavyweight Champ-eenship match
Knuck Finn VS The Alabama Sweet Pickle
As much as I love asses and 18 inches, I think Dad has another obligation to take care of, mainly the belt he and Mick are holding! So I have a challenge to that altered challenge!
Hey Kurt! What say we take it to the old man and his "driving partner"? Eh? That Pammy Dinkins has a good point, might as well throw my well travelled hat into that ring? I'm about due I think!
Fucktards, faggots and felchers. It's no surprise that old man Bonewall and that California faggot Ping Schlong Snorey got eliminated but I cant beleive that Elton John wanna-be Colonel Bitchtooth won the championsip! It really is the championSHIT title.
Even worse is La Pupa Negro running around calling herself the real Champ! That's a joke and a half if ever Rick Turpin heard one. And Rick Turpin's been around the block a time or two. I've heard a few jokes. This one stinks worse than a Jay Leno monologue.
Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate used to seem so boss. It's still hardcore, but more like a hardcore gay porno movie, and not like the one I'll be making tonight with your mom and your Aunt Linda.
TURPS RULEZZZZZZ!!!!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Koschei, we don't want to seem wishy-washy, so I believe we will volley that ball into Somebody's Dad's court. It's up to him, now...
Ricky, Christie Samuelson from third period told me that you were born a girl and that you had a tail and the doctors cut it off but your mom kept it in a jar and its in the attic next to your dead grampa's old dentures and prosthetic legs. Is that true or is Christie lying?
Well if that don't beat all. Sounds good to me. Dervish, La Pootsta, you just got your little kitty cat tender parts caught in the parental bear trap by the name of Somebody's Dad! Gonna give you all the lessons you need about being in the ring. I'm treating this match just like I work in the garage. Meticulous, efficient and with a lot of power tools! I don't know if either if you are aware of it, but Somebody's Fists are certified by Craftsman with a lifetime guarantee of whipping your tenderloin asses!
Cochese, you can lick my bunyans with your mother's tongue. I'm out for myself now and I don't give two shits what you'd like to have happen. I care about your wants about as much as a Swiss bank cares where all of that art in their vaults came from. That ain't much, son, that ain't much.
Knuckleberry Finnigan?!? What kinda monicker is that? It sounds like a brand of douche!
Now you take a man like me, The Alabama Sweetpickle. I'm long, lean dream, with a head full of steam! When I snap, you catch a crisp blow, and when I strut, I leave a trail of flavor behind me.
Careful though, ladies. My juice stings your eyes!
Knuck, baby, Next Wednesday, you gonna get soured on the whole wrestling experience by the Alabama Sweetpickle, brotha'!
Alabama Sweet Pickle? Shit, ain't nothing sweet ever come outta Alabama and only a fucking douchebag would call themselves a mutha fuckin pickle! Makes sense though, a pickle soaking itself in a vinegar douche and thinking that it's gonna come out sweet.
Daddy...I know when I'm licked! That battle royale proved to me that I'm now, truely, a lover and not a fighter!
You know, I fought tooth and nail in FUCR to get to the top in this business, and at the end of it all...I became the National Champion. Hell, I'm still the National Champion!
That's why I find what Wheezleton & La Puta Negra did at the pay per view a digrace to this sport...and I know about disgraceful...I've done some downright nasty shit!...With pigs...honest to god, pigs...but I go on.
When I was at the bottom, Blackjack, as my manager taught me about pride and tradition and respect, and all the things that go into making a champion...hell, he helped make me one!
All the great men who held my National Title...Monte Altazzar, Sucio Sanchez, Baked Beans Brown, Kentucky Jon Derby, The Scissorwolf, and many others! I will not give you the chance to piss on their legacies, like you tried to tarnish those of the World Title!
I am retiring from active competition, and as National Champion, I am naming Buck Trundle as the new Denzien of my title! You can't spell Intercontinational without "national", daddy! I know that this man is a true champ, and will not let the pride of this glorius title fade into non-existance!
So, Fuck you, 'Wheeze!
Long live The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate, Daddy!
Rudy SprayMore...You got a cut in your butt from a nut! Jammed that shit in like a dirty old slut! You just dig Knuckleberry Finn, because his name reminds you of that time some dude went three knuckles deep in your punk ass in the shower at the YMCA, after your spin class, you fucking fruit booty! Don't be afraid of a little sass, or a little class...Something you have neither of, Jackson!
Alright S.D. these bitches want a shot at the belts? I know that you are ready to roll and I got your back. Looks like your gonna have to roll doubletime and drive all night. You up for the challenge? If you say so let's show these bastards the champioship way to ride and roll on down the highway...
Wheezleton...If I ever see your face again, you just better be sure that there is 5 feet of solid oak table in between us, at the least...because that's the only thing that would keep me from tearin' you apart. Piece...of...trash.
Carlita, it looks like you got nothin to do next week. Well I think we have some unfinished business. There is payment to be made, in blood. And I aim to collect. So if the board cant make this hardcore match happen, I will see you in the parking lot. No rules, No laws just me and you and a bounty to be collected in blood. Piss on You, And Piss On Your Law!
Since this "fed" is all about women's rights and gay shit like that, why don't you put me in the ring with one of them frilly ladies. All these other lame dudes like Somebody's dad gets to feel them up for 4 minutes, I want 4 minutes to feel them up just before pinning them for a count of 3. Ladies, if your place is in the ring, it's in the ring around the collar cuz you should be doing everybody's laundry. The ring is for REAL MEN, not men with vaginas like Murt Kurphy. And BITCH Fingerly, shut the FUCK up before I eat your STUPID Head and shit out your worthless opinions.
What a fucking JOKE this league is!
Title shots are handed out for no apparent reason and then taken away on a whim. The Whirling Dervish fiasco is unsettling at best. A fine example of a Board of Directors playing mind games with a guy who deserves a legitimate shot at the belt.
I won't get into the crazed rantings of and old man and the pretender to the throne, a constant erosion to the legitimacy of the World's title.
Somebody's Dad has shirked his responsibilities as 1/2 of the Tag Champions for TWO WEEKS in a row now. And what does he get? Does he get punished or reprimanded? No! He gets an opportunity to challenge for the World's Championship, while the Tag Belts go undefended and slowly make their way to the realm of worthlessness.
This league was supposed to be all about balls out action and no interference from any governing board of assholes, but it's become a mockery of professional championship wrestling.
FUCR was definitely a dog kept on too short of a leash, but Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate is an untrained, rabid mongrel kept in a shit-filled backyard on no leash whatsoever. And what do you do with a dog like that?
You put it down.
Where's Ronnie Havershim when you need him?
Peavey, you don't know shit about dick!
First off, we didn't hand out any title shots...those were all challenged for.
Secondly, the way it works around here, is that wrestlers challenge other wrestlers to fight...and we let them. We gave them an opportunity to win a shot a the belt...A compromise that we think is pretty fair to all, and honors many of the challenges thrown down by our grapplers.
Thirdly, There is no set time limit for defending the tag team belts. If someone wants a shot, then challenge for them. If one of the members of the championship team is already booked in another match, well, you're shit outta luck!
I think some fans should stick to being fans, and stop trying to be such armchair managers. If you want to manage, then do it...if not, then shut your little piehole.
With all due respect,
I'm a fan of tag team wrestling. As such, I would love to know: "Who is the greatest tag team in the world?"
You claim that it is Somebody's Dad and Mick Drivor. They wear belts and talk about being the best, yet whenever an opportunity presents itself to prove it - they run away.
More specifically, Somebody's Dad treats that title with zero respect. If the gentleman holding the title doesn't think it's worth anything, then what is a fan supposed to think?
It's not so much that the belts aren't being defended - it's that they're being disrespected. As a fan and a lover of tag team wrestling, this is abhorent to me.
Doesn't Somebody's Dad understand the honor and glory he has achieved? I bet he likes the paycheck that comes along with being a champ! I bet Somebody's Mom likes the mink stoles and fur coats that paycheck can afford. Yet he does nothing to earn it.
I don't mean to tell you how to do your jobs or be an "armchair referee", I simply want to point out what I see as a massive insult to the titles that the Board of Directors has created. The way I see it, an insult to those titles is an insult to the fans, the wrestlers and most of all, the Board.
Blackjack says that he won't be humiliated, yet he allows Somebody's Dad to humiliate him by insulting his belts. Could it be that somebody is in somebody's pocket?
Henderson...I used to be just like you. I would get my dander all up, and I'd huff & puff about this and that, and think that I knew everything there was to know about wrestling...or life in general. But as you mature, like the mighty oak, you realize that you are much like a tig or leaf on the shoulders of a mighty river...you just go with the flow, my boy.
Somebody's Dad talks a big game...because he has to. I don't think that he has zero respect for the belts. I think that it's actually the opposite. I just think that he has more respect for himself, which is the way it should be. When you rise to the occasion, like Somebody's Dad & "Truck" drivor did, then you have proven yourself to be the best...and until someone knocks you off that mountain, you are the King.
Now, I myself am a big fan of tag team wrestling...I would say even bigger than yourself. Hell, son...I managed the greatest team this sport has ever seen...The Sweet-Winkle Connection! But just because the belts are not defended every week, it does not diminish what they stand for...and that is to show the world who the greatest team in the sport really is.
The Champs will be defending those titles soon...very soon. Trust me. There is a lot of hungry talent out there, just waiting for their shot. I do not believe that Somebody's Dad meant that he didn't give a shit about the belts...he just doesn't give a shit about the wishes of Koschei the Deathless
Henderson...I guess...in closing...I'd have to say...get of the computer, cut that Greg Brady perm, and go get yourself some poon-tang, son! And get some fresh poon-tang...not from someone who was in the drama club with you in high school. I like star Wars, and Internet message boards, and videogames as much as the next guy...but get out and get some sun on those cheeks! No one is going to come down to your mom's basement, and suck your dick. If they do...well...they must be one sad individual.
Henderson is totally right! Because there's no timeline for defending the tag belts, does that mean there's no reason to do it?
If asses every 18 inches is the goal, what more is going to put them asses there than matches for the belts? People want to see history and a changing of the belts is simply that... history.
Meanwhile rasslers like Dervish and La Puta, who originally had a #1 contender match against each other, now have a 3 way dance.
I'm quoting you here, BJ William "The Dervs has won a lot of matches...he deserves it...and La Puta Negra...as much as we hate to admit it...is one tough bitch. she is well deserving of wearing the strap." Where does Somebody's Dad fit into all of this?
Once again, the Board, in all it's retarded glory, misses the point.
It doesn't matter how often the belts are defended. My problem is the fact that Somebody's Dad doesn't think the belts are worth neither JACK nor SHIT. By allowing him to disrespect the titles in such a way, the Board renders the belts WORTHLESS.
Post a Comment