Hell Son! It's Wednesday night! Time for The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate to BLOW...YOUR...FACE...OUT! Yeah! Let's get to the ring!
First up this week is a match between Knuck Finn & The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless. Buck punched Knuck. Oh fuck. Knuck punched Buck. Buck didn't duck. He was shit out of luck. Stuck in the muck. His face looked like it was hit by a truck. Knuck was the winner, and Buck, he just sucked.
Winner: Knuck Finn
The cage is being set up around the ring now, for our next match. It's Kurt Murphy VS Blackpube The Pirate! Last week, Blackpube punched Kurt's lady friend, Sally Fingerle in the mouth, knocking her out. This week, Kurt is looking for a little payback. In the confines of the steel cage, there is nowhere to run to baby, nowhere to hide! These warriors came out to play! They fight back and forth with a fury! Blackpube gets Murphy down and dazed, and slaps on a figure 4 leglock! While he has the hold applied, he unties Kurt's boots! Then Blackpube took the untied ends and knotted them up around the bottom rope, leaving Murphy stuck! As Kurt tries to tear out or untie the laces, it is too late! Blackpube climbs the cage and escapes to victory!
Winner: Blackpube The Pirate
As Kurt remains trapped in the ring, Blackpube makes his way towards Sally Fingerle! He grabs her by the hair! He winds up and is about to punch her...but Sally drops to her knees and delivers a shot right to his nuts! As he is bent over in pain, she grabs his mask and rips it off! Blackpube pulls his coat over his head, and runs up the ramp, to the back, before anyone can get a glimpse of his face!
Our next bout is for the Syndicate Tag Team Championship! Before the match starts, Blackjack Billy makes his way to the ring, and grabs the microphone. " This match tonight was supposed to be between the champs, and the team of La Puta Negra and King Kong Glory! Well fans, I had to make a substituion! Now, tonight, when King Kong Glory arrived to the building, he was shitfaced-hammered! He was crashing around and slurring his speech...and well...that don't make a difference to me! If you wanna fight drunk, cool! That's your perogative as Bobby Brown says. But that Sum-Bitch couldn't handle his hootch, and puked all over my brand new ostrich skin cowboy boots! For that, I cannot forgive a man! So, I fired him! King Kong Glory will never grace a Frontier ring again! I can't stand no lightweights! So I was in a pinch! I needed a partner for La Puta...I called ol' Tex Brickley to tell him the news, and he said he had just the guy to replace that fuckwad, King Kong Glory...and his name is...Bronson Thunderhammer!" Just then, God of Thunder started playing, and La Puta Negra & Bronson Thunderhammer made their way to the ring!
Koschei & Cap'n Bitcheyes came down next, and...oh my... the Captain is painted up in blackface! "I have a dream -n-shit! I dreamed that me & Koschei whipped these fools asses! Now, I'm about to make that dream a reality -n-shit!". Oh...my...god...what an asshole. I don't even know what to say. This is offensive, even to us.
The match is underway, and these teams came to fight! They are going back and forth, trying to hold the line! As Cap'n and Puta fight in the ring, Thunderhammer & Koschei trade blows on the outside! Just then little Janey comes galloping down the ramp on her hobby-horse! She jumps in the ring and goes after La Puta! La Puta grabs little Janey and starts to spin her around by the hair, before launching her across the ring by it! The Cap'n runs over to see if she's allright! "Janey! Wake up -n-shit! Janey!" As the Cap'n has his back turned, Negra grabs the horse, whick is actually made out of a baseball bat, and brains the Captain! 1-2-3! We have new champs! La Puta then says, "You want a blackface bitch?", and then proceeds to sit her sweaty ass right on the Cap'ns face...rubbing it's digustingness all over his red haired cheeks!
Winners: La Puta Negra & Bronson Thunderhammer!
Next, Buck Trundle makes his way to the ring under an onslaught of boos and jeers from the crowd! It's a long way from the hand shaking, old lady kissing Trundle of yore! This week he faces Serengeti Betty in a barbed wire strap match for the Intercontinational Title! Betty won the belt from Trundle, and now, it's the rematch! The ref joins their wrists with that leather indian strap, and this one is underway! Both try to take each other to the wire early, and both succeed on bloodying each other! The crimson masks are donned by both faces of these gladiators! Welts are raised on each others backs from that strap! What a fight! Buck takes control finally, and goes to work on Betty! While she is down, he wraps her entire body in the barbed wire! Buck takes off his strap and places a table on top of her! He climbs the ropes and delivers a big slash to the table! Oh my! As he lifts the table we see that Betty is covered in blood, from a million little holes that the wire tore into her! He goes for the pin! 1-2-3! Buck grabs the belt and a single red rose, and lays the rose on Serengeti Betty's chest. Grabbing a microphone, he says, " Being the Champ is as sweet as the smell of a rose, and when you are the Intercontinational Champion, life is like a bed of roses! But sweetheart...you gotta watch out for the PRICKS! HAHAHAHA! Like old Buck Trundle!" As Buck walked out, an old lady booed him, and Buck grabbed her, and kissed her right on the mouth, before laughing, and leaving, as she spit and wiped the vile taste of his kiss away.
Our main event of the evening is a 4-Way Vietnamese Battle Royal! In this type of match, a wrestlers recieves points for every man he eliminates. This could really turn around a bad season, or really cement a wrestlers standing! Good Luck boys! It's Rocky Sukiyaki VS Somebody's Dad VS Carl Stonewall VS Mick "Truck" Drivor! It's a real donnybrook, as these men claw and grapple at each other! What a fight! Actually, there is only one way to describe this match...STONEWALL...STONEWALL...STONEWALL! He is a house of fire. Carl announced that his last match is coming soon, on his blog this week...and he is fighting like wrestling was food, and this match was his last meal! The first man eliminated is Somebody's Dad, the number one contender to the champ, by a vicious Carlplex, compliments of old Carl! The Truck thought he could roll too, but, he should have checked mapquest, because his ride dead-ended in CARLSVILLE, with a jack-knife Carlplex! Rocky Sukiyaki? Let just say...Rocky=Tokyo...Carl=GODZILLA! Carl dispatches the modern day Samauri with a super carl-plex!
Winner: Carl Stonewall
After the match, Carl climbed on to the ropes and proclaimed, "You're looking at the real #1 contender right here! Bring it on! Will we see Bitcheyes VS Stonewall? What will La Puta Negra have to say? Does Somebody's Dad have something up HIS sleeve?...All these question will be answered & more, nextime on...The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate!
Don't forget fans...next week is Fanstravaganza! You the fans, will book the show! Wrestlers...don't bother even making challenges, because this show will be booked by the fans! Fans, let us know what dream match ups you want to see next week! It's all up to you! Whatcha gonna do?
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45 comments:
Da good work Gloryhammer. Man it be boring bein so much a champion! How you face taste, Cap'n? I hope you like menstruation and bad shrimp, bitch! Na just needin' somethin ta get this cheap ass bitchface makeup out my punani.
Well done Carl, you lookin' to be the true protege I been trainin' you to be. Too bad you old as shit.
First of all, I think Captain Bitcheyes is a total fucking asshole. SERIOUSLY? He came to the ring in fucking blackface. That's... my god. I know he's supposed to be offensive and he was probably just trying to get under La Puta's skin, but that's over the line. That's fucking over the line.
Secondly, I have a match suggestion for FANSTRAVAGANZA - how about Carl Stonewall vs. Captain Bitcheyes for the title? Carl recently announced him impending retirement on his blog and he's certainly got a fire lit underneath his ass. Why not take that big ol' grizzly bear and throw him in the ring with that asshole Captain Bitcheyes? It's not like Bitcheyes ever legitimately beat Carl for that belt.
Murt Kerphey, you're a lil' boy. Fuck You! I'm a stupid pirate and I out smarted you in like 5 minutes. What did you do, drop out of high school so you could major in Tekken? And, Sally, I'd say I'd like to go back in time to molest you when you were a little girl, but it looks like somebody beat me to it... a long time ago. You are gross and you deserve Murt.
I'm a HUGE fan and I'd like to see BlackPube the Pirate get in an Intercontenational Championship match so he can bring some honor back to that belt.
Somebody very unlucky's DAD, You suck and are also a bitch. You were probably the one who "deflowered" lil' Sally Fingerly.
Slap'n Niceguys, You're a disgrace to this FED. Find a way to leave and do it quickly please! Hopefully Pres. Obama sees the footage and has you kicked out of the country!!
Whoo! You feel that world?! You feel the beast unleashed? I'm glad most of you limp wristers and ass fisters have got such short memories about your history. As history is known to repeat itself, I will brutally remind you of how much I fucking rule! The power of Valhalla runs through these veins, coursing through these magnificent biceps and outward to my fists... a storm gathers as I head towards my enemies. Oooh, my badassedness even surprises me sometimes, but not now.
It's just a matter of time.
Who would you like to kick the hell out of next, La Puta?
Oh I'm sorry - you never heard of facepainted wrestlers? Legion of Doom? Ultimate muthafuckin' Warrior n' shit? Goddamn, a man puts a little paint on his face n' everbody's all like "Oh shit, he's a muthafuckin' bigot!" Fuck all y'all assholes.
Everybody who knows the Cap'n knows that these eyes see no color - 'cause I been blinded by the light reflecting of my muthafucking CHAMPEEEEENSHIP BELT!
'sides, I's just fuckin' with Puta. Shut the fuck up, Raul "I'm so muthafuckin' ugly I don't even put a picture up when I post" Donegal. You don't know shit about dick, 'cept your mothers 'cause you spend so much time suckin' it! BLAAAOOOWW!!! How ya like me now?
n' shit.
Oh, and fuck you too, Peavy! Sorry, I was preoccupied with that Raul asshole. You're a muthafucker too!
I think that if anybody is getting a shot at the Intercontinational Championship at Fanstravaganza, it should be Serengetti Betty.
She beat Buck Lawless fair and square. Then Buck beat her back. I know most wrestling fans can't count, but that makes it even at 1-1. There needs to be another match to determine who's best.
damn im sorry babe i knows you said if i dont win you are gonna break up with me but iam trying real hard and all but i cant seem to win nothing and its making me feel like i dont have the Potential like carla lundbergs sister who joined the navy to be a sucess but got kicked out cuz she took the pictures of her eating out that cheif warrent officer chick on shore leave in thaland and has to work at the Big Lots now and cant do nothing cuz everyone knows she is a lesbo and its cool or whatevs to be who you are like how there are those pictures of you on the internet making out with those girls in florida and how you were Experementing and thats all cool and all but man it makes a dude really feel like hes a loser and not a good wrestler when he loses alot even when he is Focused like his manager says and practices and everything. it makes a dude feel real passamestic about life.
but like ma says you gotta put a porch on your trailer and see the brights sides of life.
mack divor you wanna wrestle with me? you seem like a solid dude. what you say?
and Black you shoud not be writing about molesting children cuz stuff like that is mean and wrong and real sick dude and no one here wants to hear about how you are all sick and perverted or whatevs cuz we are a wrestling site not some dirty uncle site so you shoudl quit it out
You know what, Kurt? You're right, you haven't won any matches. You... well, to be honest, you haven't won a damn match all season.
But I remember a time when I wasn't so sure of myself. When I looked around and I didn't have anyone to believe in. And somebody in a Batman t-shirt said to me... "Sally, do you know why we fall down? So we can pick ourselves back up again." That was you, Kurt. And there's no way I'm gonna leave you now, baby! NO FREAKIN' WAY!
I have a suggestion for Fanstravaganza! Blackjack Billy and his board of directors like to talk about how this league is all about ANARCHY! No rules! It's a level playing field where everyone is equal... with that in mind, I'd like to suggest that KURT MURPHY BE GRANTED A SHOT AT CAP'N BITCHEYES' WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
I know you can do it, baby! I know you can!
Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy!
Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy! Mur-phy!
you are an accemptional person sally like my ma says you are real accemptional! your the best girlfriend EVER! wow you really know how to make me feel good and its real special how you can do that man i really love you YOU SO RULE! and your mix tape totally rocked too!
I freakin' love you, Kurt!
shit i so love you too this is so FRICKING AWESOME!!
Oh hey, I have another suggestion. How about if Black Pube gets fired? Or fined? Hey Lack Pubes - I'm a fucking FAN, not a wrestler! Stop hitting me! It's not like it hurts or anything, but... what the fuck, you loser? Do you want your stupid mask back, Captain Caveman? Fuck you, I used it to wipe my ass!
I gots ta say Thunderbaby, that was a full on riot! They din even know what to do with they selves! Ha ha!!! An' damn Thunder, La Puta caught herself the vapors looking at that fine, oiled sex machine... mmmm hmmmm!!! Best thing ta come along the Frontier 'n a long time... damn! Those "Glory bitches" done pick the wrong Brickly pony.
Well shit, La Puta gon go pleasure herself then we figure out who we gon fuck up.
Rest you bitches fuck off an kneel before yo new ultimate champions!
Hey there True Believers!
I'm reminded of a story in which readers wondered what the Green Goblin's true identity was. It was eventually revealed to be someone we all recognized!
I wonder if the same would happen if Black Pube were unmasked? Say, that's a good idea! Why doesn't Black Pube put his mask on the line against Buck Trundle's Intercontinational Title?
Great thinking Stan! Except there seems to be something missing... Hmmm... Oh yeah, there has to be someone to give a shit!
I'm rethinking my strategy of allowing lil' Janey to be ringside...
A womans place is in the ring, Koschei. You should encourage the girl. Perhaps if I had had parents they could have sent me off to Wrestlers Sleep Away Camp for Junior Princesses I would be better prepared for the trials and tribulations of the wrestling world...Which would mean a bigger paycheck and a little extra in the purse to pay for all these spa treatments. That barbed wired does quite a number on the skin!
Well well. Bronson Plungerslammer is back and he's teaming with La Pupa Negro. Congratulations. Too bad all the steroids the two of you have taken have rendered your penises inert. You couldve celebrated by fucking each other. Now Plungerhammer will have to settle for Bitcheyeses sloppy seconds.
The Turps has a suggestion for this stupid fanstravaganza thing. How about if a real man like Knuck Finn gets a shot at the world title so we dont have to see it around the waist of that Elton John-abee anymore? Fucking faggots, one and all.
TURPS RULES!
Let the child be free to wreak HAVOC & DESTRUCTION! Let her grind the bones of the foes & the nay-sayers! Let the de-wombed one dance into the fire, and burn the liars & the saints!
Whaaaaaaa! I want my bottle! Whaaaaaa! I'm hungry!
YOU: A single father, doing his best and making his way in the world of fantasy wrestling.
ME: DWF, 50-ish, heavyset. Drinks too much. Doing my best to work my way into your fantasies!
P.S. - How 'bout giving Koschei a shot at a belt sometime? I'm a BIG fan of that BIG man!
Yeaaaah! Knuckleberry Finnigan is a real man alright! Finnigan, you can go Knuck-Deep in this berry anytime you want! There's something about a man like you. A man that just looks like he'll take a firm hand with a lady! Give that man a shot at the belt, so we can have a real stud in the driver's seat!
Let me see if I've got all the challenges worked out so far.
1) Bitcheyes vs. Stonewall
2) Black Pube vs. Trundle
3) Serengetti Betty vs. Trundle
4) Kurt Murphy vs. Bitcheyes
5) Black Pube vs. Trundle - mask vs. belt
6) No one gives a shit about that match (good point)
7) Knuck Finn vs. Bitcheyes
8) Koschei vs. anybody with a belt
Hmmm. Good matches. If I know anything about asses in seats, it's the simple fact that everybody loves an underdog! I vote for Murphy to get the shot against Bitcheyes!
Now now, let's listen to these fine people. Ol' Knuck's taken his lumps, but he's dished out just as much. Way I see it, I'm a humble but proud man, and I been workin' ma way to the top. I ain't sayin' Kurth Murhphy ain't one tough son'o'bitch, but Kurt's already tussled for tha prize, an' I think the fans want somethin' new, somethin' fresh. Well I ain't none a that, I'm just a ornery ol' sumbitch that wants a shot at that big ol' World Champeen belt. You want asses in seats?
Well Knuck knuck... Who's there? AN ASSWHOOPIN! An asswhoopin' who? KNUCK FINN MOTHERFUCKER!!! POW!!!
Hey guys,
With all this talk about next week's event, everyone seems to have forgotten about yesterday's event. Good job, everybody! I have to say that I'm pretty upset about Buck Trundle turning on the fans who've supported him for so long, and I think that Black Pube cheating to win the cage match is pretty terrible too.
On the other hand, seeing Carl Stonewall dispense of three other dudes was great! Way to go, Carl! Everybody who knows Dan Browning knows how much I dig King Kong Glory. Too bad you got fired, man. But instead we get Bronson Thunderhammer? Fantastic.
Hey, I know I'm getting long winded here, so I'll cut to the chase. Everybody who knows Dan Browning knows I like to play a little armchair booker from time to time and I'm really excited to finally get my chance to do it for real! It looks like there's no shortage of suggestions for the World's and Intercontinational matches, so I'll go ahead and give you my wish list for the other matchups.
1. La Puta Negra vs. Serengetti Betty - I think every guy wants to see this match!
2. Somebody's Dad vs. La Puta Negra - one is the #1 contender and the other claims to be the real champ. Let 'em fight it out and get it over with!
3. ANYONE vs. Bronson Thunderhammer & La Puta Negra for the tag titles - Can anyone beat them? I doubt it!
4. Rocky Sukiyaki vs. Whirling Dervish - winner gets a contract. What's that? Sukiyaki has a contract? You wouldn't know it by how little he's on these boards. I guess the same could be said for Somebody's Dad though.
Hey, thanks guys.
Dan Browning
Hell, Ah'll take on anybody any time! Buck Lawless is a fightin' champ and the greatest Intercontinational Champ there ever was!
It'd only be fair ta give Betty a rematch. Plus, Ah wouldn't mind slappin' her round a bit more. Ah think she kinda liked it. Ah know Ah did.
Black Pube? Sheeeeet... Ah'll whup that pirate faster'n he can say "I want to ransack yer booty". Ah'll take his damn mask too.
The Buck stops here and this here title ain't goin' nowheres!
Hey, lookit mah new picture! That's me with the belt none a you can get 'cause I'm such a bad man!
HEED MY FUTURISTIC WARNING!
La Puta Negra MUST be granted a shot at the World's Heavyweight Championship - lest the future perish!
I come from the future with a grave warning of destruction should my words not be followed! I speak not as a fan nor as a casual observer, but as one who is INVESTED IN THE FUTURE OF HUMANKIND!
Heed my words! Give La Puta a title shot!
Piss on that! Carl may have gave me the business end of those Stonewall fists, but as far as I'm concerned I'm still the #1 contender around here and I ain't had a title shot since I won that right. Well I want it now! Fuck it, let's just see if Somebody's Dad has what it takes to wear that belt or not!
Fuck that shit! Buck Trundle just admitted that Buck Lawless is the ultimate champion ever!!!
Stenographer Carlita, read that back to me:
Buck Trundle: "Buck Lawless is a fightin' champ and the greatest Intercontinational Champ there ever was!"
How can a man that say that be holdin' ANY belt. La Puta be thinkin' there be some plottin' and steamin', some scammin' and rammin', some buckin' an fuckin' goin' on roun here!
You know what I want to see? I want to see La Puta Negra & Bronson Thunderhammer defend their new Tag Team Belts against Knuck Finn & The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless! After watching those two wrestle against each other last week, I think that together they may be a force to be reckoned with! Hell Bells, Daddy! Give to me, PLEASE!!!
What about a "Sadie Hawkins Match" between Serengeti Betty & La Puta Negra? Ladies choice is the M.O. of Sadie Hawkins...so the ladies could choose to bring whatever they want to the ring and use it against her opponent! I bet those two wildcats would tear each other apart!
Sorry, Ah uh... Ah was smokin' a doob with that Chronomancer fella out back n' he revealed a bit of next season to me. Ah... Ah wasn't s'posed to repeat that ta anyone.
I think Somebody's Dad can suck a fart out of my ass! He might be the #1 contender but next week it's the people's choice! WE pick the matches! If we don't get what we want, we'll RIOT!
I think Blackpube and the Whirling Dervish need a shot at the Tag championship! They're clearly the best around and don't take no lip from nobody 'cept the honies!
DERVISH/BLACKPUBE!!!DERVISH/BLACKPUBE!!!DERVISH/BLACKPUBE!!!DERVISH/BLACKPUBE!!!DERVISH/BLACKPUBE!!!DERVISH/BLACKPUBE!!!
Oh, an by the by. Mysti Rain my dressing room door is always open. They don't call me Knuckles cuz I don't not like to use ma fists all romantical like.
As one of Frontier Anarchy's most ardent supporters, I can honestly say that NO FAN wants to see Somebody's Dad get the title shot next week. There's no doubt that SD deserves it. He is the #1 contender. But FANSTRAVAGANZA is by the fans and for the fans - anything else would be a mockery of this great sport.
Then again, Blackjack Billy has already made a mockery of this great sport. Do what thou wilt.
Maybe Thunderhammer and La Puta should defend thier belts against Koschei and Captain Bitcheyes? According to the Tag Title page, they're still the champs. I'd like some resolution - who are the real champs here?
From the Quill Tipped Pen of Ebeneezer Wheezleton...
Somebody's Dad, I'm sure that La Puta Negra would love to defend her World's Championship against you. Unfortunately, the Powers-that-Be in this wrestling league will not allow it. Next week is a week chosen by the fans.
But fear not! La Puta will soon defend the Championship against you, for unlike so many of the others in this organization which seemingly strives to do naught but disgrace the legacy of the gold, you truly do deserve it!
Ebeneezer Wheezleton,
President in TRUST
Pammy dinkins...if you watched the show last night, you would know who is who and what is what. Don't waste this forum's time with your stupid bullshit. The page hasn't been updated yet...do you want a job as a secretary? If not, then stuff it up your nasty cunt. That is all.
Now that's some fucking Management! None a that frilly pen queer bullshit.
Dear Bored of Directing,
1) I would love the job, but I'm too busy running my Kurt Murphy fansite. Which, by the way, looks a hell of a lot better than this one. Who's your webmaster, Stevie Wonder?
2) Plenty of bigger assholes waste your time with bullshit that is FAR more worthless and ridiculous than this. Why focus on little ol' Pammy Dinkins?
3) I think Buck Lawless & Knuck Finn should team up and call themselves the Buck n' Knuck Connection. or maybe BucKnuckler. KnuckleBuckin? Yeah, that's it.
Pammy Dinkins, You had one good idea...other than that, you are a dirty crack smoking whorebag. Leave us...and Kurt Murphy alone. Sally Fingerle was right. You ARE a fucking nutjob...
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