Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
When up from the Internet, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my chair, to see what was the matter....
Oh shit! It's the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate's Christmas Eve Special!
Let's see what old Santa stuffed in the stocking this year!
We open the show backstage, and see Cap'n Bitcheyes talking to his opponent, Kurt Murphy.
" Heh Heh...what's up Murph? I notice that we are standing under the old Missile-toe! At least that's what my home skillet called it! He said it will kick your ass like a missle!"...I can't help but notice that the Cap'n is holding a sticky bud above their heads! "Care to get in a little pre-match warm up, and blow the mutha'fuckin' wig back?"......
"Puff Puff Pass Motherfucker!"..said Kurt, as they disappeared backstage...
Our first match is Knuck Finn VS King Kong Glory.
If Glory loses, he is fired! Well...that threat must have lit a fire under Glory's ass, as he kicked the ass of Old Knuck Finn in 4:22! As he sauntered back up the aisle, he gave two big middle fingers to the cameras and laughed.
Match 2 is Koschei The Deathless VS Serengeti Betty. Little Janey was at ringside in her brand new Christmas dress, biting her nails, as her father was about to face her 2nd favorite wrestler, Serengeti Betty! It was a tough fight by a tough broad, as Betty battled to victory in 9:24, with a powerbomb. After the match, Betty gave Koschei a hand up, and he, janey and betty left the arena, arm in arm...off to a delicious dinner, right after midnight mass...
We cut backstage and see Kurt and Bitcheyes, with some seriously red eyes! " Oh shit Motherfucker! My shit is mellow to the mo-fuckin' yellow -n-shit!", said the Captain. "huh..huhhuh", said Kurt. "It's X-mas -n-shit, we should sing a carol or two! Damn! I wish we had the Trans-Siberian Orchestra to back us up! Falalala-lala...eww...my throat is a little rough! Let me get some tea up in this piece! Kurt...you want some lemon tea?"...."huh huh...sure...my mouth is so dry, I could drink piss right now!".
Match 3 features Mick "Truck" Drivor & Somebody's Dad, battling for the tag team titles, against current champs, The Lemonaire & Vandyke Strange. After 16:50 of straight up Jackin' and Smackin', Drivor lit up The Lemonaire with a mighty powerslam, and while Somebody's Dad kept up the tough love on Strange, Truck rolled him up for the pin! New Champs...Mick drivor & Somebody's Dad! Afterward, the two cracked open a couple of Shlitzes and toasted to victory!
Match 4 is for the number 1 contender shot for the Intercontinational title at the free for view...The Bounty Hunter Buck Lawless VS The Whirling Dervish. It was a tough fight, but at 4:51, Dervish hit the Dervy driver, and put his feet up on the second rope, leveraging himself for the pin. It's a tough way to lose, but thems the brakes, Buck! Winner: The Whirling Dervish
Up next is The Captain Bitcheyes VS Kurt Murphy. Kurt stumbled down to the ring and grabbed the mic..."Sally, I got a few words for you...
"rage in the cage and piss up on the stage. there's only one sure way to bring the giant down.defun the strings in cemetary things with one flat foot on the devil's wing. crawl on me, sink into me, die for me,living dead girl"...I thought that shit was dope, and it reminded me of you babe!...
What? Is this kid high? Oh yeah...he is.
The Cap'n Now makes his way to the ring, dressed in a Santa suit! His lovely ring girls are dressed as sexy elves! "Ho Ho Ho Motherfuckers! I got a sack full of good stuff, and I just can't wait to stuff it down your chimney, and deliver the goods!". When he gets to the ring he takes of his Santa suit, to reveal a set of wrestling tights with a piece of mistletoe airbrushed on the crotch...and on the right thigh...a picture of the wife of World Champ, Carl Stonewall, licking her airbrushed lips! Oh...My...God! Carl is gonna flip! After I "smoke" this chump, I'm gonna take your title...and your wife!
The bell rings, and it's go time! The Cap'ns plan is seeming to backfire as the stoned Kurt Murphy wrestles with laser focus! The Cap'n seems to be thwarted at every turn! But...just then...Kurt starts to freak out a little! He seems twitchy, looking around all wide-eyed! As he turns his back on Bitcheyes, that was it...Bitcheyes brains him! With a rollup and a one two three, the Cap'n pulls out another victory! "Kurt...Y'all is a little green around the edges! You see, the Cap'n was smoking harmless pipe tobacco out of that bong, and my tea was Earl Gray! Your's was not my friend! Don't worry though, motherfucker...those mushrooms in yours should wear off in about 9-10 hours! CARL! CAAAARRRLLL! I'm coming for you, sucka! heh heh!"
After the last match, all of the locker room came to ringside, and surrounded it! After Carl Stonewall and La Puta Negra entered the ring, the roster started breaking bottles on the floor, all around the outside. Carl's gaze of hatred bounced back and forth between La Puta and Captain Bitcheyes with equal distain. The Cap slyly smiled back...
After the ring was completly surrounded in glass, the bell rang! It was like two caged tigers! the wind blew, and the shit flew...and the two traded blows. Carl grabbed La Puta Negra around the waist, and treid for a suplex, but with lightning quickness, Negra reversed the waist lock and german suplexed Carl right through the second and third ropes...to the floor, and into the shards of pain that lay below! Victory for La Puta Negra! She celebrated wildly as Carl lay in a bloody heap...
Our final match of the evening is for the Intercontinational title. Rocky Sukiyaki defends his belt against the challenge of Buck Trundle. Buck comes to the ring also dressed as Santa! He has a big bag of gifts. The bag has the words "Fair Play" embroidered on it. As he shakes the hands of the fans, he passes out toys to all the children! What a guy! Once in the ring, he offers his hand in shake to Rocky who swats it away! Buck gives an "oh well" shrug of the shoulders and goes into his pre match warm ups. At the bell, Buck begins his wrestling clinic. Rocky tries numerous cheating tactics, but Buck answers them all with superior technique! At 9:14, Buck ducks a Sukiyaki karate kick and rolls him up with a schoolboy ala Ric Flair for the three count! New Champ! New Champ! Trundle wins the Intercontinational Title!
Thanks for joining us this week! Please tune in next Wednesday for more action, and please visit the forums this week! Sorry for the lack of visual imagery...the satellites were, like, totally bogus this evening. But, when you read this, we are sure that visions of sugar plums are dancing through your heads...Merry Christmas!
38 comments:
Thas what I talkin' bout. Bitches. Dat ol' prized pig Carlita you got rollin' round your yard sure stank. Thas why I be cleanin' up this place. I don' need no fuckin' belts. Who wants a piece of da Puta?
Bitcheyes bitcheys bitcheys. Be all cheatin' on Murphy like a punk. You got na bitch in your eyes ma fren. You wish you have da bitch in your eyes, but that not the bitch, that just bitchass chumpness. Pro'ly got little tiny bitchballs in you pants too dontcha my little fren? Lil' bitch ass punk motherfucker.
Carlita need go back to tha locker room an cry a while. Bitcheyes, why you not goin' back and hol' Carlita's hand? Pussy ass motherfuckin' bitchass chumps.I'm gon stab you bitch!
Shut up bitch!
Speaking of bitches, I WANT BITCHEYES! Nobody insinuates that they have fucked or want to fuck my wife! NOBODY!!!
Yeah, I might've gotten beat, but that's because I was distracted. Distracted by that fat red-haired asshole trying to make time with my wife!
Board of Directors... can you give me a match? Make it hardcore, make it in a cage, make it an exploding thumbtack match! You can put the title on the line if you want, I don't care. I WANT BITCHEYES!!!
Heh heh, OH SHIT, muthafuckers! The Cap'n keeps steamrollin' his way to victory and total dominication of the muthafuckin' Frontier Anarchy Grapplin' Syndicate n' shit.
La Puta Negra, it ain't just that I got the bitch in my eyes, but ALL BITCHES GOT EYES FOR THE CAP'N!!! Obviously you do too.
And so does muthafuckin' Carla Stonewall's partner, or what he refers to as his "wife" aka his muthafuckin' beard n' shit.
Carla, it makes sense you want a piece o' the Cap'n, since your wife took the whole damn thing! And since I AM the #1 contender to that belt o' yours, I don't muthafuckin' mind if I do!
Now, I don't know if that babble from La Puta Negra can be considered a challenge or if the bitch just wants a romp in the muthafuckin' HAY n' shit, but if the Board of Directors will sanction it, I want a match against Carla Stonewall - I took his wife (many times over, by the way) and I think it's only right that the Cap'n takes that muthafuckin WORLD's HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP that I so rightly muthafuckin' deserve.
n' shit.
I leave the decision in the hands of the Board of Directors and the many many fans of Frontier Anarchy Grappling, who know that I am more than deserving of a shot at that belt.
La Puta Negra,
Good job in your first match! You took it to the champ! You are well on your way to climbing that ladder, here in Frontier. Let's see how you fare next week!
Captain Bitcheyes & Carl Stonewall...
You want a piece of each other? Good! Next week...You two go at it...for the Title! May the best man win!
Ha ha haaaaaaaaa! Eat that pussy Carlita, cuz you know its the last lil bit of poontang you gonna get after barrasin' yoself like that by a lil lady.
I knew Bitcheyes was bitchassed, dodgin' me for a tussle wit da old man, Carlita. Fuckin' pussies. Bitcheyes and Bitchwall be deservin' each other. They gon be rollin' round the mat, each with a thumb up da other's ass, pretending they fighting but they really jus "makin' love" in fronta millions. Les see here, who need ta get stabbed nex?
Who here even worth my bother? Les see...
Bitcheyes, why you even bother wit dat ol' fuck stead a actually fightin' a true warrior? Oh yeah, cuz he got da belt, and you be needin a belt to keep that fat gut over your tiny dick so you don't be pissin' in you own bellybutton. Carla, you canfingerbang Bitcheyes, but you virginity always be resting on my stank fist. Bitch as pussies. You go on an' let Bitcheyes take yo belt, then I jus take it from him.
Heh heh... La Puta, I understand your frustrations and whatnot, but lemme just say... lemme just say that unfortunately, a man like me has got to make the World's Title a top priority.
Y'see, I travel 'round the world makin' love to a variety of ladies - some clean as a whistle, some dirty and stinkin' like yourself - just depends on what kinda mood strikes me n' shit.
Anyhoo, when you look as good as me, and you can wrestle with any lady you please, you learn that patience is like, a virtue n' shit and you also learn that when you have an opportunity, you take it. Now, I understand you think you got what it takes, but the truth is - you don't. You're a muthafuckin' bitch and I am the Captain Bitcheyes - the eyes are the window to the SOUL n' shit.
So like... whatever n' shit. I win the belt next week, maybe you can beg the Board for a shot some other time. Or maybe you n' me will meet up, I'll read you some of my poetry, we'll drink a little Earl Grey and listen to a little Marvin Gaye... see what happens.
Maybe I'll let you take my belt off.
You'll get yours you fat piece of shit. I'll take that belt off when I slit your asshole wide open with a broken champagne bottle you pasty fuck. An when that time comes you not gonna have monkeys to save your ass.
Don't care. Want Bitcheyes.
FUCK! Nobody says shit like that. NOBODY!
Steel Cage, barbed wire, broken glass, thumbtacks. Don't care. Put all of it in there - I want this to be the nastiest match ever.
The 'Jack better call some paramedics, 'cause I plan on making this pig bleed!
Well alright! Nothin' like some Christmas Gold. Kaw-Chick-A Kaw Kaw! Lets keep the Schlitz flowin S.D. Whoever pieces of trash wanna shot at the champs, bring it on. And get rolled over like a Kenworth Diesel plowin through a yugo! I got smoke form the stacks a blowin' and I dont care where I'm goin' the only time I feel right is when Im rollin'...
Weeeeelllll shee-oot! Lookie here, lookie here! We got ourselves a new Intercontinational Champion name a' Buck Trundle! Now there's a whole lot a' ya out there eatin' a whole lotta crow right 'bout now, huh?
Ah said Ah'd do it and Ah did it! And now Ah'm a'gonna keep on drivin' this here train ta vic'try and 'ventually to that World's Title Belt. It ain't a'gonna be tomarra, but it'll be soon.
Ah'd like to thank all mah special fans for cheerin' me 'long the way and never losin' faith in this here good ol' boy!
Who the fuck is in charge of this site? #1, they didn't even bother sending out an e-mail letting the fans know that the 12/24 results had been posted. The only reason I found out was because I check this site like, 20 times a day to see if Kurt Murphy has dropped any knowledge or finally seen the light and tossed that ho, Sally Fingerle, to the curb.
#2, when the fuck are they going to update the Titles pages? The Tag Title page doesn't list the new champs and if you go on the Intercontinational page, it's ALL fucked up - it says Rocky Sukiyaki is still the champ but it shows a picture of Captain Bitcheyes!
The fucking Frontier Anarchy Webmaster should be FIRED! This site looks like total shit, especially when compared to an awesomely well-put together site like the one FUCR had. I guess it just goes to show that a rinky-dink, second rate league will always pale in comparison to the original and the best.
Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate is the WCW of the 21st Century!
Dear Pammy,
go fuck yourself with a plunger handle from a gas station bathroom.
Our show is broadcast every Wednesday evening. Our true fans know this, and they tune in every week. Why?...because they like the total nonstop action of The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate...not some political, rule-mongering bullshit, such as FUCR. Don't get me wrong...they paved the way...but this is the future of professional fantasy videogame wrestling. Just ask the Chronomancer.
As for the title pages, you are right. It has been noted, and as we speak, our webmaster is having screws driven into his thumbnails, to ensure that this never happens again.
Please accept this hot pink baby tee with the Frontier logo on it as an apology...
But still...go fuck yourself...and if you film it and send it to us....we may just send you another t shirt...
Well shit, I leave a few days and the stank of pussy just gets drippier up in here. Carlita wants to fuck Bitchass, Bitchass wants to fuck Carlita, who wants ta fuck Trundle?
Nobody! Cuz this league is a bunch a fuckin' bitches. I thought I be fuckin' up one a da losers like Knucklefuck just fa shits, but it lookin' like Puta gots ta be pickin' up the slack for da boys here and take it to da champ. So tells you what Trundle, dis lady be challengin' you cuz you be needin' a good fight, an none a dese monkeyfuckers got the manparts ta do it. So I challenge to you Trundle, fa next week. You so nice it hard to hate you, but I fight you on principle. See you next week champion, on my way to fuckin' up the Bitchassed Fuckeyes.
Dear Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate Board of Directors,
Excuse me... my mistake. You're absolutely right, your fans are the type that don't need to be reminded about the weekly shows - and it looks like they turned out en masse for this week's episode!
Let's see, there's Carl Stonewall, Captain Bitcheyes, that nasty Truck Drivor guy and that fucking repulsive La Puta bitch. Hmmm... ALL contracted wrestlers and not a fan among them! WOW! Your fans really do tear the house down and blow the roof off, don't they? Wow, look at them all; leaving all sorts of comments about their favorite wrestlers and how much they love the league!
I stand by my statement - this league of F.A.G.S. is the WCW of fantasy wrestling. The complete lack of turnout proves it!
I'll still take that t-shirt though. We'll see about the video... I'm sure Sally Fingerle would oblige
Hey there, Pammy Dinkins - you seem ta have forgotten 'bout the Intercontinational Champion hisself, ol' Buck Trundle. Ah'm fixin' ta make sure evrybody 'members mah name.
La Puta Negra! Ya want a piece a this here hunk a meat, yah got it! Now, Ah ain't never hit me no woman b'fore, n Ah ain't the type to start now - but it seems ta me that ya ain't much of a woman anyhow, so it prob'ly won't matter much.
Ah knows ya likes ta fight n you darn well know Ah ain't gonna back down from nobody. Let's do it this Wensdey. But Ah ain't gonna take it easy on ya.
n' by the by, Ah thank ya for noticin' that Ah try mah best t' be nice. I guess mah momma just raised me t' be a gentleman and have 'spect fer others.
And Ah certainly 'spect a tough ol' broad like yerself. Lookin' forward to lockin' up with ya.
woah dudes what the ef! so like we wrestled or what? man my head is hurt bad! i lost? woah its like that time we huffed paint before mrs gregors english class and like had to take that quiz on gramer and list all kinds a stuff but its way worse like instead we had to take the ged test but while being punched in the dick or something. man captain you feel bad too? woah. so um mc drivor how bout we throw down next week? what you think dude? you game?
Hey Kurt! I had a really good time on Wednesday night! Sorry you lost.
um...huh?
You fucking stoner! Do you even remember Wednesday night?
Hey Kurt - Check out my blog!!!
cuz like i woke up in the lawn when ma came out to start the deep frier for the turkey on christmas but stuff is kinda fuzzy. man i think that sweet an sour pork at golden corral was bad or something on wenesday cuz im not feeling to good. i figored you just bailed or whatever cuz i lost or you was busy so something cuz yeah shit i dont know. here my digits girl call me and stuff k? 202-456-1414. we had a 800 number for my brother in prison to call at but we to turn that off so sorry
wow sally your friend pam is weirding me out. shes kinda intense. but your not. man i dont want to screw this up or nothing. so like call me and we can talk ait?
Oh Pammy...we forgot to mention...we wiped our asses with the T-shirt before sending it. Also, we gave La Puta Negra your home address. We hope you are one of those teenage girls who likes to cut herself...that way, what La Puta is going to do to you won't be quite so bad, and we won't feel quite as guilty.
If you are looking for more interaction, we could give you FUCR updates if you like....wait...that's right...They closed the doors because the owner's dick and balls fell off, and he just didn't have the guts to stick it out in this business.
But...do keep tuning in...we get paid on the number of hits for the site. Oh, by the way, Kurt Murphy said "Hi!"...at least that's what I think he said. It was hard to tell, as he was busy eating Sally Fingerle's pussy at the time...
So far...next week's matches are:
Carl Stonewall VS Cap'n Bitcheyes
La Puta Negra VS Buck Trundle
Plus...
There is an open challenge, thrown out by "Truck" Drivor & Somebody's Dad...to whoever has the guts to take them on more the tag titles...
The "BORED" of Directors can talk all their trash and try to defend their shoddy business practices all they want, but the facts and statistics back me up - there are NO fans on this site except that whore Sally Fingerle. Shit, even that asshole Rick Turpin hasn't bothered to chime in! Of course, he's probably to busy fingerbanging his boyfriend King Kong Glory in a closet somewhere.
Blackjack Bischoff can try to convince himself that he's got something fresh and new, but all this group of F.A.G.S. is doing is ripping off those who did it first (and did it better). Hell, even your champ is a washed-up old has-been. "Hollywood" Carl Stonewall! He gets beat and then doesn't even lose the belt! That's a corporate champ if ever I saw one. Bought and paid for, 100%
Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate? More like GLOW! You guys make the UWF look like the big leagues! Are you taking booking lessons from Jim Herd? ... or "Wildfire" Tommy Rich?
Oh, and Kurt Murphy? You haven't fucking SEEN intense, you fucking prick! God, what is your fucking DEAL?!?
Christ, you're a fucking psycho, Pam! What the fuuck?
Hey, it's cool Kurt. I re-read the results and realized what that Bitcheye guy was up to. Ummm... is this Wednesday cool? My friend Steph is having a party. Her 'rents are out of town and it should be totally wicked! Wanna go?
You can totally come to my party, Kurt!
Deathless Daaarling...would you care to join me in challenging those buffoons for the tag belts? I do so ever need a new belt and that one is SO shiney!
Hey guys,
Let me start off by saying "Wow. What a show!" The Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate really knows how to pull out all the stops and give a great holiday treat to their fans.
I have to disagree with some of the comments made by Ms. Dinkins. It's true that there wasn't a lot of response from fans or wrestlers this week, that's probably because most of them were too busy spending time with their loved ones. Hey, if I only had a couple minutes to catch a cab to the airport so I could hop on a plane to see my kids, the last thing on my mind would be sitting down to leave a comment on the message boards. However, I do agree with her that the Board of Directors should've taken the time to send out an e-mail announcing the results. It's just unprofessional and shows a lack of respect for the fans. I can overlook it though, since the intense action more than made up for it! All-in-all, I love Frontier Anarchy Grappling, and I hope they keep up the good work!
Congrats to Buck Trundle on his Intercontinational Title win! Good luck against La Puta Negra next week!
I hope that Carl Stonewall beats the tar out of that Captain guy. What an ignorant jerk! As a divorced father of three, I can tell you from experience that infidelity is a really hard thing to overcome. Shame on the Captain for even suggesting that Carl Stonewall's wife might be cheating on him! Until any news comes out, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. That's only fair.
Hey, I don't want to ramble on too long, so I'm going to go now. I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year and to the guys in charge of Frontier Anarchy: Keep up the good work and to the wrestlers: Keep bustin' heads!
thanks,
Dan Browning
Pammy Dinkins, you are an A-#1 bitch! Why don't you shut your fucking hole before The Turps inserts Mr. Thick Dick in there and shuts you up in his own fashion?
The pussilanious behavior of Koeschei the Deathless and the California faggotry of King Kong Glory aside, the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate has put forth some of the most badaazzzzz hardcore wrestling since the glory days of FUCR! Sure, they can't run their business for shit and they'll probably go under by the end of the season, but fuck you for talking smack about them! That's for me to do, you ungreatfull cunt! Youve got a lot of nerve, thats what I think.
I'm glad that a real American like Buck Trundle created his own personal Hiroshima in the ring with Rocky Suckacocky and the new tag champions are hardcore rockers too! Fuck that Irish bitch Knuck Finn, he got beat by a California faggot! And now that Elton John wanna-be Captain Bitcheyes is going to go for the World title next week? I can't wait to see Stonewall kick his ass too!
Anyways, I got to go play with my new Intellivision I got for Christmas, so in closing: Fuck Pammy Dinkins and fuck the naysayers! Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate ROCKS and The TURPS RUUUUULLLEEEZZZZZZ!!!!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Bitch ass Kurt Murphy your are hereby served notice. Next week you are gonna get the beating of your life. Maybe I can rattle those 2 brain cells you got left up there and knock some fuckin sense into you. So before you go to your tea party and finger bang Mary Jane Rottencrotch, make sure your insurance is paid up and you have made peace with whatever God you pray too. There is a bounty on your ass and I aim to collect!
Betty, I would absolutely be honored to join you in the ring my dear! And might I add, you looked simply astonishing when you handed my ass to me last week!
Well fuck ALL! Jezus Christmas, it's lookin' like an honest brawler can't buy a victory around here! Shit in a basket I'm fumin'! At leas' it was to a former Champ-een! Well damn, think I'll just take a swing at Swirling Turd-dish. I gotta whole lotta frustration I'm bout ready to pour all out on yer face ya noodly fruit!
Oh yeah, and FUCK YOU Puta! You fuckin' piece of shit whore! Don't you ever fuckin' use me for an example again or I'll stick a fishhook in your asshole and tie the other end to an outta town-bound bus and send you fuckin' packin', you piece of shit Jenny-come-lately, or probably never come at all by the looks of your fuckin' stank ass. Pro'ly got some sort a sekshul disfunction er somethin'. Anyway, fuck off bitch!
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